Photographing a birth.

{So I wrote this last night and I feel the urge to post it today. Once I download and play with the pictures, I will be sure to post them privately here online at my blog with a required password. When I do post them, probably tonight or tomorrow, and you'd like to see, please make a request via email -- use the 'email me' button in my sidebar -- or via the comment section -- just leave your email. I would love to make the photos open to the public, but so many of them are very personal and would be an invasion of their privacy to show publicly. Already with them graciously welcoming me into their private world, I was blessed incredibly so I cannot overstep my boundaries. I can't wait to share them with you! Here's my story shooting my first birth.}


This evening I write from Word because I am trying very hard to not do anything blog-related this week. But I can't not write in words what I am feeling at this very moment, so I write here.

Tonight I was a part of an amazing life-fulfilling event. I had the honor of shooting a live birth, and the word 'amazing' just does not sum it up for me. I sit here in tears as I recall the hustle and bustle that I just left. I am crying because I've never ever been a part of something so spectacular. It was life-changing for me.

Life-changing because, how many women get to see what I saw, from my view? They are usually on the other end of it, right? And to be a part of this as a spectator, as a photographer just there to shoot pictures and nothing else, was not something many women get to do --- ever. And perhaps not many women want to see it? But I got to and I wanted to. Which is the second reason why it was so life-changing. This experience brought me peace.

With my two children, their births ended unlike any planned birth. They were anything but planned.

With Noah, immediately after the epidural was given, his heart rate dropped substantially. So abruptly and so low, that I was rushed to surgery, inti bated and the nurses had me cut open in 6 minutes, before my doctor even arrived. Noah came to us safely, but my experience was awful. I didn't see or feel anything of his birth but was in major pain for weeks after because of such invasive cutting. I didn't get to see him for over 2 hours after the birth. My husband wasn't even in the surgery room. Even though yes, "all that matters is that he was healthy", a big piece has been missing in my heart ever since. Something I couldn't pretend to be happy about. Birth the way it was meant to be was an experience I never had.

With Maia, I wanted so badly to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after Cesarean). I was induced because of high blood pressure. They broke my water. I was in labor for 30 hours. Yes, thirty. I had an ultrasound at my 30th hour of labor which lead to us finding out that Maia's head wasn't engaging. Either her head was too large or my pelvis too small. (My doctor and doula think it were both.) Her heart rate began to slowly decline (she was tired and saying I was tired is an understatement) so off I went to surgery, after 30 hours of labor and no food or sleep in 2 days. My doula couldn't even be in surgery with us. I did get to see my baby this time after birth, but only while my arms were strapped down unable to actually hold her. All I could do was smile and cry. And then she was whisked away so that I could go to recovery. When I got back, I still did not get to hold her because they found her to have a heart problem. So she lived in the NICU for two days. I didn't get to hold my baby for two whole days. Can you imagine?

Another birth gone not the way as planned. And while of course I was elated and thanking God that she turned out to be completely healthy just with a strangely boot-shaped heart, I still was missing another piece in my heart. And guess what? Tonight I got those pieces back . . . and way more. What a blessing God granted me.

There's nothing more miraculous in life than life itself being born. And I got to witness it with my own two eyes and capture it forever. I saw a head full of hair poking it's head out, I saw a daddy literally catch his baby as it was being born, I saw the placenta being delivered, I even saw her being stitched up. I saw baby Jake take his first breath of life outside the womb screaming while the rest of his body was still in. It was a-maz-ing.

I saw blood, and lots of it, and didn't even want to throw up. It was different. I wasn't seeing it in a textbook or a movie. I saw it in real life. I saw life being born and nothing about that is sickening. I saw blood in a shade of red that was just absolutely beautiful. (Can blood be beautiful? Yes!) I've never seen such a pure beautiful red before. I can't wait to show you pictures.

I was so blessed to have had this opportunity. The nurses were so welcoming and interested in what I was doing. The delivering doctor was as well. She even asked for a business card and then went back to her office to look my site up online (!!). When the baby was being born she was fine with me coming in closer. There wasn't a single thing that she asked me not to shoot. Leann, my friend and the mother's doula, waved me in closer during the actual birth because she wanted me to get pictures. At first I was hesitant, but then I couldn't stop pushing the shutter. I still don't know what all I took. Tonight I will proof them all and see.

I am never ever going to forget this. It was so life-changing. And I can't wait for the next. A water birth in October. Wow, God is just so good to me. SO GOOD. And life is just so good. So beautiful. So pure. So truly amazing.

And I caught it all.