Purple Valley: faith

It’s been a while, a long while -- 3-ish years -- actually, since I have blogged. However, today I think is the beginning of a new blogging era for me.

The kids have taken up so much of my time as they’ve gotten older and I have grown to be busier in my daily life because, well, that’s just what happens, but I decided I just have to make time for it again. Time, in general, passes so quickly, but I feel like time has never felt so fleeting in my life until this past year when my baby turned 10. Double-digits hit me like ages have never hit me before. Before I know it he will be 18. Sigh. As one of my favorite musicals says, “there’s no day but today”.

It’s time to start back blogging. And I’m not starting back lightly but with some huge enormous gigantic news. I’ll let this kids tell you…

Yep. We are adopting!

Um. . . “How did this happen?”, you are probably wondering?

Well, as most of you know, my (only sibling) brother was adopted. Mom and dad adopted Chris when he was just a year old, and little me was 3-1/2. It’s not a secret he’s adopted, but also isn’t a secret that I have never thought of him as anything but my brother. Yes, annoying at times (aren't all brothers?) and when he became taller than me I was a little put off that my little brother was suddenly kind of like my big brother. But Chris fit in very well from the start. I still remember the day he was brought home. His curly black locks of hair and adorable little overalls won me over. Having a baby brother was the best thing in the world. We have had ups and downs as any family does, but overall it’s been the best experience in my life because it’s been one the biggest lessons in my life. A lesson of what family really is, overcoming uncertainty, dealing with and overcoming discrimination, but most of all, a great lesson in love.

Adoption has been a part of me my entire life. And I believe whole-heartedly that my entire life God has been preparing me for today.

Back in the early 2000’s Neil and I started trying to have a family. I thought this would be an easy task but it wasn’t. We never dreamed we would be “those people” who couldn’t conceive. We tried for a year and finally got pregnant. I had morning sickness and even started looking a little pregnant, but at 12 weeks we found out that our baby wasn’t viable. We lost that pregnancy shortly after. In my 20-some years of life, nothing was more devastating or physically and emotionally painful than losing that baby. I would never wish that experience on anyone. But even thought it was an incredibly painful and discouraging experience, it, too, was preparing me. Preparing me to love.

We went on to lose two more pregnancies over a period of two years and even thought I wasn’t as far along as the first time, it still took its toll. After so many losses you lose more and more hope and you end up becoming pretty numb. I had my faith but I’m not sure how much I actually really did “have” it. It’s one thing to read the Bible and memorize scriptures but it’s another thing to have FAITH in those words and to truly believe it with all your being.

I begged to God to give me a baby but I also yelled at God for not letting me carry one. It was hard to see at that time why we went through all that, but now I know why. Those three years were to prepare us. To mold us. Ephesians 2:10, “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

We finally accepted we weren’t going to have biological children and decided adoption was the right thing for us. We so direly craved our family! And hallelujah, we were accepted into an agency! That was so exciting! But weeks after we were accepted into the agency, I found out I was pregnant. Again. And numbness took over. Again. I really believed I wasn’t going to carry this pregnancy either.

But. . . God had other plans! We went to our appointment at our Reproductive Endocrinologist and saw, for this time in any pregnancy, a little beating heart. “What?! How could this be?” I thought. But with my own eyes there it was. “Pa-rump, pa-rump”. Oh it was beautiful! And that beautiful little beating heart belonged to our first-born, Noah.

Fast forward. In the next seven years we went on to have 3 babies: Noah, Maia, and Finley. All of them were without dramatic situations, of course. I mean no way could Neil and I have anything happen and it NOT be a whirlwind! But, finally I have learned it has all been a part of the grand plan for us. And I honestly couldn’t be happier, more humbled or feel more blessed because of the difficult pregnancies we have had. God is truly so amazing and so, so good.

Here we are (I mean, “I” am – at this point it’s just “I”) another four years later and feeling the itch to have more children. I asked God, “why?!” over and over. You see, two years ago I had a hysterectomy. So I don’t have a uterus and obviously cannot bear any more children, because as my doctor advised, it would not be the wisest decision (I experienced a blood clot in my brain after Finley was born). And as my days went on after feeling those “baby pangs” I ran into several people who had adopted either via Facebook or via preschool where a classmate of Finn’s has an adopted sister.

Adoption was suddenly all around me (or maybe it was there all along but it just wasn’t time for me to “see” it yet?). And the faith-driven dreamer side of me poured out all the little puzzle pieces of my life picking them apart, sorting them, and putting them all back together. I thought, “ok this is starting to make sense”. There are suddenly all these people around me who could guide me. God set this all up. God is so much greater than me. He guides my steps and I listen!

I brought it up to Neil. He was not on board at first. So I prayed, and prayed, and prayed. Amazingly, in all this, when I wasn’t expecting, nor did I believe I needed it, He changed ME. He made me truly dive into His word. He made me see how love was and is the most important thing we all have freely in this world. He made me understand that while there might be all sorts of worldly things that we want or even feel like we “need” (i.e., a new car, a finished basement, trees in our back yard, a 15- year anniversary trip, a nicer ring, a new camera lens, etc.), He always knows what we ultimately “need” the most. And right now he is calling us. His time is perfect. All those other things can wait. One day we can do things for us, and even if we can’t, I know in my heart I would never be disappointed. Nothing in this world can create happiness or joy. Only love can. And love is never created from things. Never, ever. God changed ME while I wanted Him to help me change Neil.

Eventually God did change Neil. I was standing in the kitchen one day just getting things out of the pantry and he said, “let’s do it”. I was like, “do what?”. He said, “adopt”. I said, “really?” and he said, “yup”. (If you know Neil, you know most of his conversations go like this.) After the shock wore off, I went upstairs so that the biggest smile ever could appear. I mean, I couldn’t do that initially or I would not look nearly as calm and collected about it all. (hehe)

Since that day, our conversations have gone from “which country?” to “which agency?” to “how soon?”. Now that we have decided on a girl from Ethiopia, we absolutely cannot wait for her to get here.

We know there will be a LOT of ups and downs (as all of life is and if you expect anything but, well, you’re living in a fantasy land), but we also know that with ups and downs you grow. I never knew what growth really truly was until I started experiencing real pain and real trials. The kind of growth that comes only from God. I know with this adoption we will grow as people, parents and family.

And we absolutely cannot wait to grow. . . again.

“Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is a mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life.” – James 1:12

“(Adoption) is a long, hard road, but what road is easy? If you’re on an easy road, you might want to ask yourself why.” – Carlos Whittaker

This article really spoke to me. "What will people think?" by Amanda Larson. It's quite long, but I hope you can take the time to read it. Exerpts taken from one of my favorite sites, Beliefnet.

Affirmative prayer is about rejoicing and thanksgiving. It's recognizing all the wonder, joy, and abundance in your life and being thankful from the bottom of your heart. This way of life does not involve beseeching prayer-it's more like a meditation, a communion of Spirit. This kind of prayer affirms perfection in our lives as we are thankful for having received all that we need, even if it hasn't shown up quite yet.

Faith can be hard to come by, and when we march to a different drummer, our spirit can be taxed and sometimes on the edge of despair. This is when following your own tune and not worrying about what others think can be the most difficult.

When you want something, what do you do? You move in a forward motion. How many times have good things appeared to you that seem to be just on the other side of a big glass door? You can see it, you can smell it, you can even hear it, but it's just out of reach. Most people push against the door with all their might. They push harder and harder, and that door just stays shut. The more they push, the less that door is going to budge. They are pushing from the outside, trying to get to all their good.

What if I told you that the door to living successfully opens inward? And that your good is waiting for you to simply allow the door to open on its own?

Most folks react with a sharp intake of breath when I tell them that. We're taught to be aggressive, to always move forward and never take a step back. Allow? We don't allow, we pursue! We're told to model ourselves after the successful members of our society. We do what's currently accepted as fashionable and acceptable. Being stressed and constantly on the go takes up all of our time. We're taught in our society that we have to do certain things to fit in. We face tremendous pressure to conform, to keep up with the Joneses.

We don't have to keep up with anyone. Life is about being thankful for what you have and what you're about to receive. It's about keeping the negative comments from others away from your heart. It's about listening to that still, small voice within us. It's about living a happy life.

Balance. How do you get it? Balance is achieved by right thinking. Right thinking is achieved by following your own internal compass. Impressions and opinions come from everywhere--parents, friends, the guy down the street.Frustration and imbalance often come when we try to reconcile our wants and needs with the wants of others, those who have good intentions, but no one can know the right path for you but you. Balance comes when you love yourself enough to put your own needs first. Loving yourself has nothing to do with narcissism. It's a deep feeling of self-respect. With that self-respect comes the ability to forge your own path with joy.

When we hold others' opinions in high esteem, we have a constant battle of emotions. The "should" and "wants" are at war. We alternate between periods of satisfaction and self-doubt. Some of us can be immobilized, and spend years stuck on hold, trying to reconcile our deep knowing with the expectations of those around us. By commanding self-respect and by giving respect to others, we neutralize those mood swings that threaten to overwhelm us. There's an old expression--"one's ship comes in over a calm sea". Your life path and attendant abundance with materialize when your internal sea is calm and centered. Nothing can land safely if your emotions are crashing about like storm waves on the rocks. What does a ship do in a storm? It stays away from shore, as the unpredictable waves can send it crashing into the cliffs. Think of your abundance as that ship. All that is yours by right and divinity is waiting, just offshore, for the emotions to balance. When the storms pass, all will become clear.

Do you have balance in your life? Edna (the author's grandmother) was the most balanced woman I've ever known, and she took the time to live every moment as it came. She would weigh the opinion of others, but toss it out if it ran contrary to what her heart was telling her. She was so completely at ease with herself that everyone she came in contact with felt at ease as well. She said it was because she followed the Golden Rule every day of her life.

The Golden Rule--treat others as you wish to be treated. It was the reason she suffered very few slings and arrows. Even if others disagreed with her, she was never cruel or unpleasant to them. She let them have their opinion and went on her merry way. It didn't matter what others thought, only that she be treated with respect. By showing everyone around her that same respect, even if they disagreed with her, she commanded that respect in return. Edna mastered the art of living by treating others as she wished to be treated herself.

We all don't have to be the same. Balance comes when we cut ourselves loose from that idea. Every single one of us was born to do something special on this earth, something no one else can do in exactly the same way. To go within, to find this source, is our highest ideal. Allow the door to your good to open...inward. Remain aware that we are all on the same path, which is the path to finding ourselves. If we can be kind to each other on the way, we'll all arrive much sooner, and with fewer bruises! By allowing others to be themselves, we can expect the same in return, and we won't obsess over the opinions of the others. This attitude of calm will illuminate your soul, bringing on the peace and light of a balanced life.

Edna said that human beauty can be seen by the light of the soul, not the light of the sun. Even in darkness, someone who is filled with that light is instantly recognizable.

"Treat everyone, no matter who it is, the way you wish to be treated, and your life will be made of gold."