Wordless Wednesday ~ in writing

{I added some new pictures and items to my blog called "Grandma's Diary" which you really must check out. One of them being this pay stub. It left me very speechless as I can imagine it will you. It is a stub of my grandfather's when he was 18 or 19 years old. He worked 78 hours for . . . well, click on it and you'll see for how much pay. 63 years later, it's hard for us to imagine working so hard for so long each week for such little pay, and as an educated person! It makes me respect him even more, and I didn't think I could gain any more respect for a man I already had so so much respect for. Missing you and loving you always, grandpa.}

Missing him.

I think part of the reason I've not felt myself the past few days and just sort of out of it, overly stressed, anxious and emotional is that it was one year ago that I lost my grandpa. He was my last grandparent. Neil's last grandparent as well. (Grandpa was very much a grandpa to Neil. He loved Neil a lot and was very proud of him. Neil knew grandpa for 13 years.) But he wasn't just a grandparent. I loved him so so much. He cared about me so much. He told me so. He told me he loved me - a lot. He came to every one of my children's birthday parties or celebrations of some sort. He came to every one of my celebrations growing up. He was a busy man. A farmer. A very well-known farmer. Everyone knew him, but they also loved him. So many people loved him because he was a phenomenal man. Sure, he made mistakes. We all do. But what I saw, as a granddaughter, was a man who was unbeatable and would do anything for anybody . . . kind of like a superhero. He was my Superman.
I feel so incredibly blessed because I was with him, holding his hand, as he took his last breath. I remember those moments so well that I think I could tell you minute-by-minute what happened. I didn't leave him side for 2 whole days. I spent the night at the nursing home with my mom, and Great Aunt Shirley (Dad and Jerry were there part of the time, too). I couldn't leave him. He had to know I was there. He knew how much I loved him. He may not have been alert (I felt in my hear that "he" was already gone), but he knew that I was there, and that's all I wanted. I wanted him to know I wasn't going to leave a man who gave me so much for 30 years.

I hate it that I remember one year ago so well. I hate it because these are the freshest memories I have of him. He wasn't himself. He was really just a body laying there struggling for life. A body that had quickly whithered in a few short months. Like I said, I knew he was gone. But it was still probably one of the toughest moments of my life knowing that he was going to die in front of me at any moment but not know exactly when. I prayed that he would just die after every struggling breath he took. I prayed out loud, which if you know me, that isn't something I do. I'm very private with my faith. I prayed selfishly that he would just die because I couldn't take it anymore seeing him in the state he was in. I had never seen a person die in this way before. Man, grandpa was stubborn.

It was so incredibly hard to sit there with grandpa as he left us. But I did. And even though those are the last memories I have, I am thankful for that time because it changed me. It was the least I could give back to him after all he had done for me, and taught me, in my lifetime. I don't regret sitting there with him. I don't regret bringing my children in to see him die. I don't regret petting his bitterly cold head. I don't regret kissing him goodbye. This is what you do when you love someone. You are there with them until they are gone. You do what you can to be the strength and pillar that that person was for you.

I miss him so much still. I think about him every day. Pictures all around my house remind me of him and the person he was when he was the strong healthy happy farmer father-figure that I knew.

Today I pray that grandpa is inside the Pearly Gates. I think he is, but I don't know for certain. No one really knows for certain. He was a Christian. And so I hope. And I hang on to that hope. That's what gets me by, knowing in my heart that one day I will see him again, that one day I will see all my grandparents again. That one day I'll see all my loved ones again. That's all we can do is hope.

Loving and missing you, grandpa.

Thankfully, this is how I will remember him most . . .




me and grandpa

Sand box messes & Reminiscing

I think Maia is trying to wean herself out of her naps. Some days I find her fighting me to go down, even 3 hours past the time she normally takes a nap, and other days she goes down perfectly, like today.

Yesterday was one of those days where she would not go down. She "talked" in her bed for an hour before I finally got her out. So instead of sleeping yesterday afternoon, she played.

We have a sand box at this house and the kids love it. Because of the messes that it creates, after they are done playing in it I always immediately take them to the bath. Yesterday was another sand box afternoon.

As soon as they were done in the sandbox, Noah went next door with his new little best friends, Lucas, 5, and Brevin, 4. He is in safe hands with Nikki, so I left him over there and gave Maia her bath.

After her bath she decided she wanted "on the couch" to watch "Bunge-bob" with her "towel" (she strangely loves towels). So I did. I went to clean up a few things in the house and came back 5 minutes later with clothes to put on her and I found her like this:Curled up on the couch . . . naked. It was 5:00 when I found her like this, so needless to say, she didn't sleep long. It was a long night for her last night without a much needed nap (we had mom's group in the morning and she played there, too). Neil did great putting up with her grouchy-ness while I worked.

So I've been reminiscing a lot the last week or so. This weather makes me remember being pregnant. I was very pregnant with both my kids this time of year in 2003 and 2005. Noah was born on the 15th, and Maia on the 18th. I remember going to the pumpkin patch both years very preggo and even shooting weddings, both years, the first weekend in October (38 weeks pregnant and swelling like you wouldn't believe). That was rough. Really rough. Thank God for patient clients and great friends like Mike, Nora & Heather.

Last year I wasn't able to reminisce too much. Grandpa was sick. Very sick. A year ago today he was in the nursing home. It was just last August that he went to the doctor where they found he had an intestinal cancer. So so quickly after that he went down hill.

I'm having a difficult time right now as I think about him a lot right now. I tried to visit him every couple days in the nursing home. Maia and Noah went with me a lot, also. It was hard. But I'm so glad I did it as often as I did.

Anyway, because grandpa was so on my mind every day, I didn't think much about the prior Octobers or even think about my children's birthdays. I was suppose to have a Halloween party last year and 2 kid birthday parties. They all sorta failed. They'll never remember that, and I'm not upset about it. More than anything I wanted to be there for grandpa. I knew I would not have him this year. I knew he wasn't going to make it. I knew I had to get ready for that. All parties and reminiscing could wait.

So this year I reminisce a lot. I remember all of the last 4 Octobers very very well:

4 Octobers ago I was very pregnant with Noah.
3 Octobers ago we celebrated my first child's 1st birthday -- and grandpa was there. I still remember it like yesterday. What a great celebration!
2 Octobers ago, Maia was born.
And last October grandpa died.

On a happy, funny, oh-my-gosh-look-at-Val note, this is what I looked like just 2 years ago:
Yeah, I was big.

Hope everyone has a great weekend! Miss you all still as I try to put my life back in order. Hope to be back sooner than later. Happy October!!