MLM ~ Finding out you're pregnant

I thought I would start "Memory Lane Monday", brought to us by MomsBlogging, a great great mommy blog site.


This week’s theme:

Share your feelings and story of when you discovered you were pregnant for the first time.

When I discovered I was pregnant for the first time, I was so so excited. We had been trying for an entire year prior to the pregnancy. I never thought it would happen at that point, so to get a positive, I was shocked and elated! Who wouldn't be? But everything after that is really a blur. I honestly don't remember any exciting points. Because there wasn't any, except for when I saw the two lines on the pregnancy test. I do remember telling friends online at my "trying to conceive" pregnancy board. A lot of people and friends sent cards or books. I honestly cannot remember, though, how I told Neil or how I told my mom. They may remember, but I don't remember one single thing.

It was 12 weeks into the pregnancy that I had my first ultrasound and it was there that I had the horrible gut-wrenching feeling that something was wrong. Terribly wrong.

The ultrasound techs cannot tell you a thing. And that just seems so insensitive, even though I do understand why. But can you imagine the feeling the woman goes through when she is 12 weeks pregnant and the ultrasound tech cannot find a heartbeat, let alone any sign of pregnancy?? It's not fun, and possibly the worst moment in a soon-to(-hope-to)-be mother's life.

What I remember most about my first pregnancy is driving away with Neil in tears, shaking, bawling, in disbelief. Because she couldn't find a sac or heartbeat, the tech told us that according to the ultrasound, I was more like 6 weeks pregnant. So on the drive home, I was trying to put together all the pieces, and it just didn't make sense. Nothing about it made sense to me. I felt ok. I felt pregnant. I kept thinking "I'm pregnant, I'm okay, they just messed up." But all I remember is that moment, driving home. We saw a big raccoon get hit on the road by an oncoming car. That right there was a pretty good sign that this whole thing was a really bad dream, and I prayed I would awaken from it.

It was Friday that we had the ultrasound, and Monday (yes I had to wait an entire weekend), when I was at work, that I found out I was going to miscarry. They told me OVER THE PHONE. At work. Alone with 25 girl scouts. It was the hardest moment of my life. I remember sitting out in the grass in a park by myself sobbing into the phone to mom with 25 girls in the hazy background looking on wondering what was wrong with me. It was that moment that I remember more than anything else.

It was Wednesday that my miscarriage actually happened. That Saturday I was in my brother and sister-in-laws wedding. I was at that wedding, but my heart and soul was not. All I could think about was my pain, how bad I looked physically, and what people were probably thinking about me.

That whole week I don't want to remember, yet I do. And I think it's because God wants me to. It was a point in my life that was the most trying. But it was the biggest life lesson I could ever learn as a "student". And it was this loss and the two losses following, that made my finding out I was actually pregnant with a healthy little dootle, Noah, an incredible celebration.

It was finding out I was pregnant with Noah that I remember like it was yesterday.

When I took that pregnancy test when I was pregnant with my miracle baby, I was sure, in my mind, that this was another failed pregnancy. But a teeny tiny part of me thought maybe there was some hope. A teeny tiny bit. So I clung to it.

At that time I was seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist, Dr. Elizabeth. I loved her. She was meant to be that kind of doctor with the compassion and hope that she, herself, had for each one of her patients.

It was when I saw Dr. Elizabeth for my 6.5 week appointment, an internal ultrasound, that my life changed. Neil was away on business traveling, so Alexis went with me. We still joke today about how she saw my "crotch". She and I, and Dr. Elizabeth, saw Noah, for the first time, together. It was the most exciting day of my life. I was in shock. Alexis cried, then I cried. i will never ever forget that moment. I remember it more than the day I found out I was pregnant with him. I remember it more than his birth itself. That is how predominant that moment was in my life. And Alexis shared it with me. And then we celebrated afterwards. She, herself, was also pregnant, with Sami, who would later go on to be one of Noah's very best friends. How good is God? Very.

Everything about that pregnancy was scary, but I knew, after Dr. Elizabeth told me that since we had seen the healthy sac and heartbeat, that there was only a 2% chance of a miscarriage. Since my chance of miscarriage the pregnancy before was over 50%, I knew everything was going to be okay. I knew that that little "flitter-flutter" on the screen was my baby, and my baby that was going to make it. That baby was Noah William.

Why am I even telling this story? I'm not sure why exactly, except when I saw the topic for Memory Lane Monday, I didn't think of how I felt when I found out I was pregnant with my first, but how I felt when I found out I was pregnant with a healthy baby in my 4th pregnancy.

I haven't talked about this in public, and well, I feel I'm finally at a point where I can whole-heartily, and know that I can because I'm at peace with my three losses. And, that I'm at peace with knowing that what I went through only made me stronger. That it brought Neil and I closer together. That it made me appreciate my healthy baby "bumps" so much more, and made me cherish every breathing moment of that pregnancy (and the one following, little Miss Maia). But also made me appreciate all of what our short mili-second of time in this life has to offer. And made me appreciate my little miracle more. Every time he screamed during his 8-1/2 months of being colic, I would think back to how he was my miracle, and it seriously made the sleepless nights and the all-day screaming all better for me. It was he that made me not take life for granted and appreciate every single second of it.