10.08.2007

disillusionment.

Do you ever wonder why you take time to care about things that really stress you out, get your down and make you angry? I really wonder that sometimes. And it's probably not healthy for me to get so worked up, but I do, and it's because I care and because I wish so badly that others cared like I wish they would care. I just want to shake them. I want them to see. I want them to understand. I want them to see what I see, face reality, and change. And to not be able to do that, that makes me mad. That makes me angry. That makes my heart break.

I really wish I could force people to care more, to take more time out for others and less time worrying about the silly things. I wish I could just shake them and say "we only have a little snippit of time here on earth. Why not make the most of it the way we are meant to make the most of life?" But obviously what I think/feel isn't what others think/feel. And my vision of life is that it's too short to not care and too short to not take time out for others and too short to not be happy because for me, taking time out for others makes me happy. But that isn't everyone else's vision. I'm glad God instilled that in me, though.

I tend to take most things to heart, and you can say that is a downfall of mine, but I try to think that maybe it's a good trait that I have. I'm sensitive. Maybe overly sensitive, but I am sensitive. And I'm smart, too. I can easily pick up on those who pretend as if they care but really don't at all. I can tell when I'm being used. I can tell when material things are being used as a replacement for time and love. And I don't understand that. I do understand, however, that I, as a human being, with the feelings that I have, don't like it nor do I appreciate it. No amount of anything can replace love. Especially in a child's eye.

Right now I'm pretty angry. I'm disappointed. Once again, I've been let down. Well, at least the people closest to me have been let down. And that affects me. And it's painful. And I don't know what to do. So I worry and I get angry and I do a lot of crying. It helps a little bit. And writing helps a little bit, too. The worst thing about feeling like this, though, is knowing that it will probably most definitely happen again and again and again. And I'll probably continue to have these same feelings again and again and again because I'm as sensitive as I am and care as much as I do. I just hope more than anything my children won't feel how I feel right now. But, maybe by then they'll just be numb? I am really hoping so.

13 comments:

SuperMom said...

Aw, Val, I don't really know what's going on, but I hope whatever is going wrong rights itself somehow. :(

Michelle said...

((hugs)) from one sensitive girl to another!!

Can't wait to see you all...it's getting closer! :)

Alexis Jacobs said...

((hugs)) I'm here if you need to talk.

oh amanda said...

Oh, Val. (((hugs)))

If everyone were just as perfect as us... (*wink*)

LiLi said...

Oh Val... girl, I feel your pain! I am watching a situation in my own family that is reoccurring and so very very sad, and it kills me, because no matter how upset it makes me, there is nothing I can do to change the situation, other than PRAY PRAY PRAY! And a child is in the middle of it, and that upsets me the most, because I'd give anything to protect him from what is happening, but I can't protect him and it hurts me that I can't shield him. ((hugs)) I'm not sure what is happening, but don't forget to pray, PRAYER WORKS! It's OK to be sensitive... God made us special. Sensitive and perceptive... I hope things will get better soon!

Jen said...

I think sometimes one has to have a wake up call to realise just how short ones life can be
how much time we have here on Earth

I dont know whats wrong but I can feel your pain, your disappointment and how it effects you

Dearest Val Im praying for you right now sweetie

BUG MASSIVE HUGS

Jennifer said...

praying for ya girl...

Remember those folks have sin(the devil) in their lives....which make them unhappy, and in return they try to make everyone else miserable!

like the old saying: Misery loves company!

Keep your head up girl, stay true to yourself....don't let the devil win, he in return is trying to make you miserable through those other folks...I always say "Kill them with Kindness"!

Take care...remember also you have so many wonderful friends, and this on in Tn loves ya!!!!!

Jen @ One moms World said...

Hugs girlie. Its just because it is the type of people we are but yet we keep getting our heart stomped on and we get right back up again.

We are here if you need us!

Deborah said...

I hope things look up for you soon. FWIW, I think it is better to 'care too much', even if it means often being let down.

Anonymous said...

Too weird...this hits the nail on the head of something I'm dealing with right now also! Luckily I'm not related to this person and I have decided to "disconnect" from her. I feel for you Val! Hope you feel better about this soon (and the other person feels like crap!)
Vic

mama2dibs said...

I can be sympathetic with you. I share the "sensitive" personality. I will pray for you and this spot of life you are in.

Erin said...

(((hugs)))

Louise said...

Hugs to you girl!!
Hope everything turns out good!!