wah-wah-wah-wah

Okay, this is going to be a woe-is-me, wah-wah-wah post.

This is my problem. I'm tired, I'm exhausted, and I'm sick and I don't know how other work at home mom's do it. I really don't. There has gotta be a secret.

I've been soooo busy that I seriously have hardly had time to breath. But I haven't been staying up till the wee hours of the night, either, because I can't. I have been falling asleep at my computer. So I've been going to bed about 11 or 11:30 which is really early for me. I'm tired. So tired. And I think it's affecting me. But I have no other option than to work my buns off. But I'm sick now. . . maybe because of this, I don't know? So much pressure is on me right now to get all these holiday orders done, and ALL BY MYSELF. Ugh.

I just feel like (for lack of a better word) crap. Mom thinks I'm working too much and need to hire someone. Yeah, I do, but not this late in the game. I'd have to change how I do my business and taxes and I just don't feel like dealing with that now at the end of the year. Heather came to help me out for a couple hours last night --- for free --- and we got tons done (she is such a quick learner and a good friend; I'm lucky to have her).

I really don't know how other work-at-home moms do it. Like, I'm sooooo thankful that I get to stay at home with the job that I have and that it means I get to spend so much time with my kids. I would not change that for the world. I know how blessed I am and I count my blessings, believe me. However, that doesn't mean it isn't hard.

The hardest thing for me is keeping my work and home separate . . . physically and mentally. My mediums (photographs -- disks, files, computers, some negatives still, cameras, lenses, memory cards) are so fragile. It's very hard to keep my kids out of my office. They're very good about not touching my computer and cameras, but I know accidents can happen.

One of the hardest things is fitting in time to do my work. It's hard for me to start a project and then tend to a beckon call because the work I do is so tedious. It's art and it takes a lot of concentration for me to work in Photoshop on a picture. I have to get into my graphic design frame-of-mind (and honestly, I love being in that world. It's fun for me.). It's really hard for me to go from one state-of-mind to the other back and forth, back and forth, constantly all day long. *I think that is what tires me the most.*

I yearn for an office out of my house. I yearn for those office hours that so many people get. My work time is not during daylight hours, but nighttime hours. I really begin my work around 5:30 or 6 every night and I work until 1 or 2 in the morning. But even that time until 9:00 is hit or miss because even when darling hubby is here, my kids still want me. And it's precious time taken away from my wonderful family who I want to spend time with.

Maia is very attached to her mama right now. She is such a mama's girl, which I love of course, but it means that she wants mommy to help her potty, mommy to get her a drink, mommy to hold her, mommy to read her a story, mommy to tuck her into bed, and so on. I won't not do those things. I'm always there when my kids need me. Always. Which again, I'm so thankful for the opportunity to mother them. I just want to be able to do my job right -- as a mother, wife and photographer -- and with a little less stress. Just a tiny bit less stress and burden. I really do. Really really do.


I very well could rent out an office space outside of my house, and we've talked about it many a times. But then I talk myself and Neil out of it saying "it's not going to be much longer and then the kids will be in school and I can work during the day". But secretly in my mind I wish I did have that office space right now. It doesn't make sense, though, to spend that money to rent a place when I am capable of doing it here . . . just not to the best of my ability, unfortunately. I definitely don't think I'm doing the best that I can work-wise. I have so much more in me.

I can't not work. I love it too much and I think photography is what keeps me going. It's my passion. It's what God created me to do, I know that. I just don't know how to do my work in the most sensible way without feeling all these burdens and without feeling so rushed and without feeling so cut off from the rest of the world. That's my other problem. Missing out on life.

I don't ever see happy fun weekends with my family. I'm either shooting a wedding or doing sittings because I can't very well do sittings during the week. If I'm not shooting, I'm proofing and getting orders ready and putting albums together. I seriously put my "40-hour weeks" in on the weekends. I don't see very many family moments and I secretly feel like I'm missing out on so much. But at the same time, I don't want a job away from home and I don't want my kids in day care. It's just a vicious thought pattern and cycle.

That said, I think I've made myself sick. I can't tell my clients no. I can't not do things my friends ask me to do for them. I can't not do things potential clients as me to do. And I don't not want to do it for them, either. I guess what I want is more time. Longer days. For time to stop so my kids don't grow up in a blink of an eye like I feel like they're doing. I don't want to miss out on time with my husband. I just don't want to regret anything. Is there a reasonable workable solution? Anyone know?

How do other photographers do it especially? I find myself lurking at their sites all the time, almost literally drooling over their work, knowing very well that I could do the same and have the same amazing clientele. I wonder how they do it . . . how they are able to keep up on blogs, their site, their work, conventions, their brochures, their specials, new tools of the trade, photography message boards, everything! . . . all so successfully and appear to still have time?! HOW DO THEY DO IT?!

I just need to take a breather. I think I need to sleep, actually. Both my kids are napping and I'm taking this as a Godsend. I need to rest my mind and my soul and start tonight fresh. I have tons I could do now, but this killer headache is going to keep me from doing any of it right. So I think I'll sleep.

wah-wah-wah-wah. Woe-is-me.