Thursday's Thoughts

I'm feeling better about NILMDTS. I've been pretty overwhelmed by the thought that my first time could really be at any time. I'm not sure how I will react when I do my first one, nor do I probably really know what to expect. Sure, I've seen some really graphic pictures, ones you could never ever even fathom imagining, but I still know it's nothing like being there in person with the parents who are in such immense grief. The emotions for all will be unbearable. But I'm ready. And that is partly due because of you guys with your overwhelming support. I've received a lot of emails and it's been so heart-warming. (Thank you.)

I think I've been prepared in a lot of ways for this. One, I know a little bit of what the grief and sorrow is like knowing that you lost your child who you will never get to share moments with ever. I lost three babies in utero, and no, it's not anything like having lost a child who you once held in your arms, but I've been through many of the emotions and all (or most of) the same questions, and so I hope just because of that, I can use what I've experienced as a way of helping the parents cope and as a way to do a better job at doing what I came for.

I've also been prepared through Alexis. And she talked to me last night about this in an extensive amount. She has been there. And as I told her, I know this is one of the reasons why God is having me do this. Because I personally know someone, one of my best friends, who has lost a child and who wishes she had had those pictures taken of sweet Allison. Because I have seen what she has gone through in preparing for Allison's problems before she was even born, to what she experienced in her short few months of life. Also because I held Allison in my arms once and I was there at the funeral, to see her one last time and tell her goodbye. (I know that Allison knows she has changed many peoples lives, like my own.) I didn't want to do that and it was hard doing it, but sometimes you just have to suck it up and go above and beyond for others. Wouldn't you hope they'd do it for you?

So Alexis, she will be my guidepost during this time. She's definitely going to get a call when I'm on the way to the hospital. (Thank you, already.)

To turn this into a Life is Good, I'm So Happy post, I have two cool things to also share.

One is this. I have a good friend down in Florida who makes really awesome handmade jewelry. Check this out, it's so beautiful and made entirely with love. (These are some of my favorites.)


And guess what?! Chel is giving it away!!! Go to A Gracious Home and sign up and you could win a really beautiful piece which is featured on the site. (I signed up!)

She also has a store called "Created by Chel", which I hope you will check out. She really does has some amazing pieces. She is so talented. One day I hope we can exchange services! (hint, hint!)

My other bit of excitement, well it is for me, anyways, is that I accepted one more wedding for 2008. I couldn't help it. I made an oathe to myself that I would not accept anymore for 2008, but, but, but, well, I guess I'm weak. I gave in. Only because this wedding is a dream wedding for me, oh, and because the bride begged (how can you turn down that kind of ego-booster?!).

Most dream weddings for me take place either in a great big city or on the ocean. I've had the chance to do both of them. One of my favorite dream weddings out of my 5 years shooting was Kristin and Chris's wedding down at Ft. Myers Beach, Florida. Everything about it was perfect. A gorgeous October day, only close family and friends (I was honored to have been included in the "close friends" category!), beautiful subjects, not to mention down-to-earth fun subjects (!), and so my imagination just went wild!

My second dream wedding was in Chicago, Johanna and Jason's. It was a dream wedding for me because, again, I had gorgeous subjects with great personalities with the desire to have fun and do un-traditional poses! It was also a dream wedding for me because the reception took place in a 1700-acre amazing arboretum. They had a trolley for the wedding party and we went all over the arboretum taking pictures. Then the reception itself was one out of Martha Stewart Weddings. No joke. It was fabulous. I want to shoot it again! ;)

So, that said, I think I may get my third dream wedding. After the pleaing (haha), she told me where it was, and I didn't hesitate. Forget the oathe!

The wedding is in St. Louis at the St. Nicholaus Greek Orthodox Church! It's a beautiful church! And I've shot a Greek Orthodox wedding before and the ceremonies are just amazing. Long, but absolutely worth it! Here's a picture. Can you say to-die-for?!

And then the reception is at the St. Louis Renaissance Grand Hotel Crystal Ballroom! Check this place out!

The bride agreed to have all the pictures taken before the wedding which also means, we have complete freedom to do some outdoor pictures . . . downtown! You know how old and beautiful downtown St. Louis is?! (Corie does!) I am just so so excited! Helps give me the fuel power to get the 4 wedding albums that I need to have done before Christmas.

So you made it to the bottom of my Thursday's Thoughts! Yay, you! Yay, me! Yay, everyone! Time to do more of what I'm doing in the Wordless Wednesday post below. Thank goodness for coffee . . . and you all . . . to keep me going! Thanks for reading ;c)

NILMDTS

I couldn't hardly sleep last night thinking about my new "job". You know how I joined "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" a while back? Well, I have not done a job yet, which is a good thing and a bad thing. Good thing because hopefully that means less babies are dying, and a bad thing because I'm afraid maybe the hospitals and doctors just aren't informed . . . parents especially.

So a few weeks ago I got an email from the photographer who leads up NILMDTS here in central Illinois. He wondered if I was interested in getting together with the other photographers. I said, "yes, definitely, I wouldn't miss it". So even though I'm probably the busiest I have EVER been work-wise, I still drove 1-1/2 hours after Neil got off work to meet with these exceptional photogs.

I wanted to bawl my eyes out while I was there, but I didn't. I stood strong. (Yay me.) I learned tons more about the program, what hospitals are educated, what I have to do "when called", what I need to bring with me, how to act (in a way) as a psychologist while I'm there (because you never ever know how a parent is going to be once you are there), and the main thing -- how to photograph these babies. I learned so so much. The experience last night was invaluable. I'm so glad I went.

Now this means I am going to get a call. And maybe soon. (We're all on a rotating list.) I, myself, am covering a huge radius in Illinois. Three pretty major cities and 3 major hospitals. One of the hospitals has, on average, over 100 infant deaths :( Usually about 70 of those are called in to NILMDTS. There are about 6 of us who will work this area. And I'm nervous. Very nervous. Not because I don't think I can do it physically, because I know I can, but because emotionally and mentally I'm not sure how well I will be able to take it. But I'm hoping I surprise myself. So much of the time the baby has died already. But I have to do it for these families.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting about this. Just kinda talking out loud, I suppose. I so hope I can actually do it when I'm called. Good thing is, I have two people to go with me as support (equipment-wise, set-up wise, and emotional-wise). But the thought of not knowing when I may get called is a bit overwhelming, but then I think about the parents and what they're feeling. Oh my gosh, I can't even imagine. A few shaken nerves and my sadness is nothing, absolutely nothing, compared to those feelings the parents are experiencing. So I think that will put it all back into perspective so that I can do a good job. I so hope that is true when the time has come.

When that call is made to me, I will probably post very quickly just so I can have some prayers with me. I'm going to need them. I never realized just how hard it's going to be, until last night. But again, I can do this. I have to.

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

Wow, I am blessed with an incredible opportunity. I was just notified today that I made it into the "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" Program. Let me give you some background info as to what this is.



For some soon-to-be parents, broken hearts and dreams are shattered when told that their baby may have a life-threatening problem. Most of these couples will go through the entire pregnancy knowing that they will not be granted the certainty most parents get with the gift of new life. Some parents won't know about life-threatening issues until after baby is born, while some will know immediately because of a stillborn child forcing the pain to be very raw and imaginable in a blink of an eye . These couples don't think about what outfit they'll bring their baby home in, about upcoming birthday parties, or any of the things we take for granted when we have a healthy child born to us. They think about planning for the very worst because they are told they have to.

It's something I cannot fathom and I know it's not something any of us want to think about, but truth is, it happens. It has happened to one of my best friends, Alexis. And because of her, I sought out this organization and was put on a list as a possible professional photographer volunteer who would volunteer time (free) to take portraits of these babies.

Photographs are something most parents don't think about, but Alexis said she would give anything to have had pictures like these taken of Allison. She wished she had had that beautiful opportunity and I wish I had had the opportunity to do this for her because I would have done it in a heartbeat. But I wasn't in photography yet and I honestly the thought of doing something such as this never crossed my mind. With that said, I knew right then when Alexis told me these things, that I had made the right choice to put in my name as a possible volunteer (I had done it before she even said anything to me), and just today I found out that I made it in.
This is Alexis's sweet Allison. I actually did have the opportunity to take this one picture before her final heart surgery, and before she became an angel. No one ever wants to think about the possibility of their child not making it through, but you have to, which is where I would, passionately and sensitively, come in.
Thinking of you, Alli, as your birthday approaches us . . . we'll be celebrating you.

While it's not something to be in jubilation about, it is something that I am very proud to now be a part of. I am good friends with my OB-GYN's nurse practioner and I plan to tell her about this and see if I can have a hand out for Dr. M's clients just in case, God forbid, they need me. And one of my dear friends is a doula, also knows my OB and NP, among other doctors, and so already I will have a connection with some OB's and hospitals here in central Illinois. I just feel so blessed that I now have this opportunity to bring such a vital service to families in search of healing and peace.

This is NILMDTS's mission:

Parents through out the world experience heartache and grief every day due to the death of a baby. This heartache can happen to anyone one of us. Through our experience, being able to introduce this art form of photography to parents suffering this grief will help them in their healing process. We want to bring awareness to parents and caregivers everywhere to this method of healing. We aim to bring parents together with professional photographers that are volunteering their time and services to helping parents create these heirloom memories of their time together as a family. Our goal is to ultimately be able to present Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep to families through out this nation. NILMDTS also aims to educate other photographers to the sensitivity and compassion of this topic.

You can find me at their website under "find a photographer".

One last word from me. . .
I dedicate my future service (and this blog entry) to my friends who have lost infant children . . . Alexis (angel Allison), Whitney (angel George), Amanda (angel Lochie), Karen (angel Luke), Ronna (angel Luke), Reva (angel Ryan), and I apologize if I forgot anyone else . . . please let me know. xo Love you all.