NILMDTS

I couldn't hardly sleep last night thinking about my new "job". You know how I joined "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" a while back? Well, I have not done a job yet, which is a good thing and a bad thing. Good thing because hopefully that means less babies are dying, and a bad thing because I'm afraid maybe the hospitals and doctors just aren't informed . . . parents especially.

So a few weeks ago I got an email from the photographer who leads up NILMDTS here in central Illinois. He wondered if I was interested in getting together with the other photographers. I said, "yes, definitely, I wouldn't miss it". So even though I'm probably the busiest I have EVER been work-wise, I still drove 1-1/2 hours after Neil got off work to meet with these exceptional photogs.

I wanted to bawl my eyes out while I was there, but I didn't. I stood strong. (Yay me.) I learned tons more about the program, what hospitals are educated, what I have to do "when called", what I need to bring with me, how to act (in a way) as a psychologist while I'm there (because you never ever know how a parent is going to be once you are there), and the main thing -- how to photograph these babies. I learned so so much. The experience last night was invaluable. I'm so glad I went.

Now this means I am going to get a call. And maybe soon. (We're all on a rotating list.) I, myself, am covering a huge radius in Illinois. Three pretty major cities and 3 major hospitals. One of the hospitals has, on average, over 100 infant deaths :( Usually about 70 of those are called in to NILMDTS. There are about 6 of us who will work this area. And I'm nervous. Very nervous. Not because I don't think I can do it physically, because I know I can, but because emotionally and mentally I'm not sure how well I will be able to take it. But I'm hoping I surprise myself. So much of the time the baby has died already. But I have to do it for these families.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting about this. Just kinda talking out loud, I suppose. I so hope I can actually do it when I'm called. Good thing is, I have two people to go with me as support (equipment-wise, set-up wise, and emotional-wise). But the thought of not knowing when I may get called is a bit overwhelming, but then I think about the parents and what they're feeling. Oh my gosh, I can't even imagine. A few shaken nerves and my sadness is nothing, absolutely nothing, compared to those feelings the parents are experiencing. So I think that will put it all back into perspective so that I can do a good job. I so hope that is true when the time has come.

When that call is made to me, I will probably post very quickly just so I can have some prayers with me. I'm going to need them. I never realized just how hard it's going to be, until last night. But again, I can do this. I have to.

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

Wow, I am blessed with an incredible opportunity. I was just notified today that I made it into the "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" Program. Let me give you some background info as to what this is.



For some soon-to-be parents, broken hearts and dreams are shattered when told that their baby may have a life-threatening problem. Most of these couples will go through the entire pregnancy knowing that they will not be granted the certainty most parents get with the gift of new life. Some parents won't know about life-threatening issues until after baby is born, while some will know immediately because of a stillborn child forcing the pain to be very raw and imaginable in a blink of an eye . These couples don't think about what outfit they'll bring their baby home in, about upcoming birthday parties, or any of the things we take for granted when we have a healthy child born to us. They think about planning for the very worst because they are told they have to.

It's something I cannot fathom and I know it's not something any of us want to think about, but truth is, it happens. It has happened to one of my best friends, Alexis. And because of her, I sought out this organization and was put on a list as a possible professional photographer volunteer who would volunteer time (free) to take portraits of these babies.

Photographs are something most parents don't think about, but Alexis said she would give anything to have had pictures like these taken of Allison. She wished she had had that beautiful opportunity and I wish I had had the opportunity to do this for her because I would have done it in a heartbeat. But I wasn't in photography yet and I honestly the thought of doing something such as this never crossed my mind. With that said, I knew right then when Alexis told me these things, that I had made the right choice to put in my name as a possible volunteer (I had done it before she even said anything to me), and just today I found out that I made it in.
This is Alexis's sweet Allison. I actually did have the opportunity to take this one picture before her final heart surgery, and before she became an angel. No one ever wants to think about the possibility of their child not making it through, but you have to, which is where I would, passionately and sensitively, come in.
Thinking of you, Alli, as your birthday approaches us . . . we'll be celebrating you.

While it's not something to be in jubilation about, it is something that I am very proud to now be a part of. I am good friends with my OB-GYN's nurse practioner and I plan to tell her about this and see if I can have a hand out for Dr. M's clients just in case, God forbid, they need me. And one of my dear friends is a doula, also knows my OB and NP, among other doctors, and so already I will have a connection with some OB's and hospitals here in central Illinois. I just feel so blessed that I now have this opportunity to bring such a vital service to families in search of healing and peace.

This is NILMDTS's mission:

Parents through out the world experience heartache and grief every day due to the death of a baby. This heartache can happen to anyone one of us. Through our experience, being able to introduce this art form of photography to parents suffering this grief will help them in their healing process. We want to bring awareness to parents and caregivers everywhere to this method of healing. We aim to bring parents together with professional photographers that are volunteering their time and services to helping parents create these heirloom memories of their time together as a family. Our goal is to ultimately be able to present Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep to families through out this nation. NILMDTS also aims to educate other photographers to the sensitivity and compassion of this topic.

You can find me at their website under "find a photographer".

One last word from me. . .
I dedicate my future service (and this blog entry) to my friends who have lost infant children . . . Alexis (angel Allison), Whitney (angel George), Amanda (angel Lochie), Karen (angel Luke), Ronna (angel Luke), Reva (angel Ryan), and I apologize if I forgot anyone else . . . please let me know. xo Love you all.