Back and with my mac

Absolutely cheesy title I know :c)

The new 'puter was suppose to be delivered on Friday after we had already left for Chicago. I called UPS and tracked down the package so they held onto the computer and (thankfully) delivered it on Monday instead. Good thing because I wasn't going to be home but also because severe weather went through Friday night.

The pretty silver Mac was opened late last evening. It's now up and running and I'm loving it. It's funny how just a couple years makes a world of difference in the upgrades on a system. Even the keys work remarkably better and they are quieter, too, which helps for those nights I'm typing in bed while Neil is sleeping. (hehe)

Now hopefully this time I don't run this one to it's death in just a few small years. Wish me luck. (I obviously need it.)

Chicago (and my time with Johanna) was absolutely wonderful. More to come once I get back into the swing of everything. Another wedding on Saturday, just 4 days away, and in the meantime I have 5 family sessions to proof and 3 wedding albums to do.

Serenity now, serenity now.

Beth's family session

All I am doing right now is work work work. It's on my mind 100% of my awake time, and even my sleep time. I have so much to do. But, I admit I truly love it. How could I not? Look at the picture above . . . one of my favorites. It's worth every second of my time to make a portrait like that. It makes me happy because I make them happy. But it does consume me. I even had a dream last night about the studio that I so badly want.

Things I did yesterday (keeping in mind that Neil was gone traveling):

- Last night I finished designing some wedding invitations. I placed the order, too!
- Burn pics for Mr. H, Heather, and Carissa.

Things to still doo:

- Make slide show for Mrs. W (the kindergarten teacher at N's school) put to music. I decided on "Let Them Be Little" by Billy Dean (have you heard it? It's beautiful . . . you can see the video here ------> Let Them Be Little)
- finish proofing maternity session
- proof 1-week old newborn session
- proof session with Jen & Addison
- print 2 canvases
- order Deja's pictures
- order Kalina's pictures
- order Angie H's pictures
- do Chris's album
- do Holly's album
- do Caitlin's album
- start on re-designing logo for Noah's school
- meet with Mr. H about pictures for website and brochures
- prepare for my wedding "down south" on Saturday
- still need to book hotel for Friday night

I've slowly been finishing up my last maternity session with Beth and Rodrigo and their adorable son, Daniel. It's takes me forever, I'm coming across this more and more, to do any amount of proofing because I can't sit at my desk for longer than an hour at a time (which is actually good for my back). But because of this, I'm starting to see that I really do need an outside place to work because my mind can't be solely on my work for longer than that hour at a time. And it needs to be. I told Neil that my hopes are to have a place that I can go to and work and then be able to come home and just be a MOM (and his wife) with no other worries. I just want to play and have the best time doing so without anything hanging over my head.

So here's a few of those pictures . . . more are on flickr. (And if you go to flickr, please comment! The more comments I have the more chances I have to put my photos in groups that rank up there with some amazing photographers that I admire! So please please comment -- please!) But here's a couple faves. I'll be posting all kinda at my VWC blog, also.






I'm only half-way done! So many more fun ones to come. That's where you'll find me, at my computer for the next 2 days until . . . .until . . . I get another wonderful visit from . . . my dearest Alexis. Yes, she is coming to visit and we'll do our "thing" as though she was never gone . . . I can't wait . . . :):):)

Pockets Full of Passion

I guess I was wrong when I said I wouldn't be around much. I should have said something like, I will still be posting when I can, but it won't be posts that are thought-provoking for you or that take time for me to write. :c)

My work/photography posts may bore you. If so, just carry on with your blog-surfing. I absolutely don't mind. Really!

I had another maternity session over the weekend. I downloaded them finally and peeked at them all last night. I feel like I'm finally doing something right with my lighting. I swear, lighting is the KEY to good photographs. My very favorite one from the session is of Rodrigo (the daddy) and his son, Daniel, who is about to turn 2. They asked to do a few of Daniel for his 2-year, so I said "of course!!". My heart MELTS when I see this one. It tells such a story. A father-son story of passion, love, security, faith . . . I absolutely adore it.

Father-son Passion ~


Here's 2 others:

Pocket Passion ~

Oreo Passion ~


You will have to go to my flickr site to learn the background to the oreo one! (Just click on my flickr photos in the sidebar of the blog.)

My Passion ~
I also have a post at my VWC blog about my new albums. I would love some of your input as former brides (or brides-to-bes). Just click here. Thank you!

I'd have to purchase a wide-angle lens!

So I just got an email from a prospective client, a bride. I'm still laughing.

First of all, she is wanting me to photograph her wedding in just a couple months (kinda short notice), but the real kicker is this part of the email. And I quote, "Do you have a limit to the number in the wedding party because we have 15 bridesmaids?" Oh my lands. Seriously?! FIFTEEN?! And I thought 9 was a lot. Thankfully I was able to tell her I am booked and not have to come up with an excuse. THANKFULLY.

Can you imagine as a bride, keeping 15 straight? Or buying them gifts? Or their dinner? (You'd have to account for them and a guest, so right there you have 30 seats at your reception taken.) I could go on . . . but you get the point. In-sane.

Passion is where passion is born.

I have came along way from being 8-years old working hard at my first job on the farm in the bean fields. I still can't believe it some days that I am a photographer in a business that is solely mine.

While in Oklahoma a month ago, I had the opportunity to meet my newest niece right after she was born in the hospital before her first bath. And when she was brought home, I had so many fabulous opportunities to take photographs of the sweet pea.

And then when back home, I had the fun opportunity to design her birth announcement. Every single step of the process so fun and rewarding.

I am so blessed to have this job. It just kind of flows in my life. I think that's when you know it's what you were meant to do. Like it's something that has always been there but I didn't know I could actually make money doing. Who would ever imagine you could make money doing the thing you love to do most?! I think this holds true deep in everyones hearts. It's when you discover that your passion can turn into something bigger that you know you are living the life God created you to live.



There can't be many more exciting and more rewarding jobs out there than what I do, but I guess when what you do is your passion, you do think that there can't be anything better out there, right?! What a great feeling to know that what you are doing is what you were born to do.

Thank goodness walking beans wasn't the lifelong plan for me. I definitely would have the best tan out of anyone else, but I'd also be the dirtiest and probably the grumpiest. Farm life was amazing and one of the best experiences I have ever had, but I am so so thankful that I was made to be a photographer. Living and working on the farm taught me so many life long lessons, however. Ones that helped mold me into the person and photographer I am today. I just know I wouldn't have had such strong determination and passion if I hadn't walked beans and if I hadn't seen how passionate my dad was for his job as a farmer . . . one of the hardest jobs on our planet. I thank him for showing me what determination and will looks like.



So tell me . . . how could a job be any better when you get to see this?! It really is hardly a job at all sometimes . . .

I know, she's pretty darn cute, isn't she?? Newborn hair, newborn yawns, newborn skin, newborn smell . . . so precious and such a gift. A true gift from God.



Welp, back to doing the CHORE I like doing most . . . vacuuming.

I {heart} fun assignments!

My latest fun project with work has been designing save-the-dates for my cousin's wedding. Not only do I get to shoot the wedding, but I also get to design the save-the-dates and the actual wedding invitation! How neat is THAT?! Here is the final save-the-date. How lucky am I, really, to have such a great job. It really is hardly a job when I get to do such fun and different things such as this!

I also posted this at my typepad blog . . . which I hope to start updating a lot more in the coming days and weeks as well. It's so nice for things to have finally slowed down a bit!

P.S. Their last name will start with a "B" if you weren't able to figure that part out ;c)

I've been dying to show these pictures!

Christmas has came and gone and boy do I have a lot to say and pictures to show (we had a really wonderful Christmas), but before I get to Christmas, I have to show you these photos of my two little people and their cousin, Ella!

We did these about a month ago as a surprise Christmas gift to Neil's mom, dad, step-mom, sister and grandmothers. Since they have all received their special surprise framed portraits, I can now share them with you. I just adore these shots to pieces, and I think Michelle would agree. We only had about 10 minutes as it was soooo cold outside and then it started to rain! This little mini session proves that our kids can still be so totally adorable even under pressure :c)

Sneak peak right here:

* See the rest here. *

Documenting the past week in pictures

I haven't been blogging much at all lately (posting or reading) and it's because on top of work stuff, I've never been so busy in my life. I'm thankful for not only the technology of cameras and preserving moments, but for my love for doing so.

One week ago Noah participated in his first ever Christmas program. He was a shepherd. I think every student in the school participated, which means pre-school through junior high. It was a really awesome experience for Noah and just as much of an awesome experience for his mommy, daddy and O'ma.

We were so very proud of him. I've never seen him appear so grown up. I've also never cried before for being this proud of him being so grown up. It was bittersweet and so hard to keep from crying. The last time I remember having that overwhelming feeling of love and joy for him was the moment I got to see and hold him for the first time when he was born.

Here is Noah's class right before the program. I took it upon myself to take a pre-school picture and a kindergarten picture. (hehe) :c) Do you see my Noah? He loves to observe people which is exactly what the camera catches him doing here.
(click on the pictures and you'll see them way bigger)

Then here he is during the program, singing. What really got me was when he spotted me on the floor taking pictures and that look he gave me just melted my heart. His eyes sparkled as he was watching me as though he was saying "mommy, look at me being a big boy. I love you so much, mommy". That's how I felt in that moment. Sorry for the cheesiness, but it's so true.

Afterwards, since O'ma is heading to Oklahoma for Christmas, we went out for ice cream and then she came over to give Noah and Maia a couple presents. Here they are unwrapping a few. Noah was mighty excited of his new undies!!


Then Friday and Saturday we got hammered with snow. Lots and lots of it. 9 inches to be exact. I loved it; it was so beautiful. So we stayed in all weekend playing games, decorating the house, working (well, I was working), and making food for Sunday.


Sunday we had our dear friends (Nikki and her family and Leann and her family) over for a Christmas dinner at our house. Neil was given an 8 lb ham as a gift from one of his customers, so we made that along with other yummy fixin's. It was really nice.

Vanessa is 10 months old and has very little hair. So Leann and I sneaked back into Maia's room and put her hair up into this little pony tail. Nikki almost cried when she saw it! Mommy and daughter . . . aren't they cute?!

Then Monday after I picked Noah up from school, I drove out to my favorite park in the world because I just knew it probably looked heavenly after the snowstorm. The main entrance was closed, so I drove around to a side entrance. I'm actually so glad it was closed because I saw some spectacular views back there. Here's just a couple out of many I hope to post later at flickr.



The rest of the week we went to the retirement party, I delivered a 30x40 sized canvas of a photo I took (see below), I goofed around with a reflection in an ornament on our Christmas tree (see below), and then today I had to cancel two appointments with clients because Maia and I are bundles of yucky-wucky-uckies now.

We both journeyed to the doctors today and we were both put on antibiotics for an ear infection (Maia) and a UTI infection (me) which has made both of us feel really miserable. I've been fighting this for a couple months with OTC things, so hopefully it will now be gone for good. I'm praying because they're no fun!! And right before Christmas . . . both of us . . . why of course!
(click on the picture . . . I dare ya! . . . then you'll see me in the Christmas bulb!)

I'm so so so thrilled, though, because last night I finished my last wedding album of the year (honestly, I didn't even think I'd get this 4th one done before Christmas). I delivered it today on the way to the doctors and I feel SUCH a huge huge weight off my shoulders . . . so much so I just want to run outside and scream it at the top of my lungs, but it's freezing outside and I am not feel all so swell, so I'll save that for another day I suppose :c) But but but but but! I can scream it here, right?!?!

I'M ALL THROUGH WITH ALBUMS AND ORDERS FOR THE YEAR ----- WOOOOO-HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

5 days till Christmas! Now I can really be excited and happy. I can concentrate on those things that are really important now like my family, friends and remembering the birth of Jesus! :c)

Merry Christmas!

Ugh.

I've been a little MIA and will continue to be this week. Alexis was here last week, I took her to the airport on Thursday, Friday was a hang-out-with-mommy-friends day, and then over the weekend we were pretty stuck indoors while rain, sleet, freezing rain and snow fell. I did manage to get tons of work done . . . another album almost completely done and another one started! Yipppeeeee! Neil's mom had my kids one night so that helped a lot as I worked my buns off while they weren't here. (Thank you, Pat.)

I'm going to continue to be MIA as my family and I take an unplanned trip 3-1/2 hours south to where my mom's family is from as my great-uncle passed away yesterday morning. I'm sitting here still unsure when the arrangements are. Probably tomorrow or Wednesday.

As far as my brother . . . he is pretty down-in-the-dumps. His cuts are no longer having to be packed, but he's still under-the-weather (as he probably will be for a long time) and no longer has a job or a place to live. It's just not good. He desperately needs all to pray for him. I personally pray that he can turn his life around. There's hope, but I know my mom is losing her hope. It's just not a good situation. I wish he would come home.

On a trying-to-make-light-of-the-situations note, I'm babysitting today . . . Maia's friend, Isaac. They are 3 days apart and good friends. I love him but I could never ever ever be a mom to twins and God knew that those times that I was on fertility drugs!! (Ha!!!!)

With the snow comes confidence.

It's snowing, it's snowing, it's snowing!!!!!!!

I'm so excited that it's snowing! And tonight, I get to go get Alexis, take her to "our" place (Robbie's) for dinner and then do a Christmas Walk downtown D-town. We're meeting my mom and Heather for the walk and if it's still snowing, how absolutely beautiful it will be. I can see it now . . . all bundled up in our coats and pretty scarves (and two sets of gloves for Alexis -- hehe), walking from boutique to boutique drinking wine and hot cocoa with Christmas carolers all around us and lots of happy women out to shop for the fun of being together and coming across the most adorable finds. It's so much fun and I can't wait. The snow just makes it that much better.

I love snow. I love drinking coffee when it's snowing out. I love watching big beautiful snowflakes fall as I sit from my kitchen with a warm sweatshirt and comfy socks on. I also love snow when I get flattering emails from clients while the snow is falling.

I got a really gracious email a few minutes ago from a wedding client who I just delivered her album to yesterday. Her email made my day.

I know I can take photographs, but I am just not all that sure I can take GOOD ones. I tend to be very self-criticizing and can get discouraged easily. I do not encourage myself at all. Hardly ever, actually. When I'm about to embark on a shoot, the day before I get down and very unsure that I can and will do very well. I'm always afraid I'm going to screw something up. I'm always always always think afterwards that I could have done better and then I get pretty down about my work and myself. That's why when I get an email or a note or a comment here on my blogs about my work, I light up. It makes my day and those are what keep me going. Those positive words are what reinforce something that I think is true but don't always believe is true . . that I was born to have a camera in my hand.

Bottom line is, I can be very hard on myself. Very hard. And it's people like you that keep me going.

I'm absolutely not saying that I want people sending emails or comments left-and-right to me saying how great I am. I don't want that at all. (I'd hate that , actually.) I am just saying that I really relish in moments when people spur-of-the-moment express their happiness in me and what I do . . . in what my passion lies in. Even if I was a terrible photographer (and maybe I am?), still having positive comments would keep me going and keep me working harder to become a better one. I thrive off of trying hard to make everyone happy and hearing positive things said as a result. Who know if that is a healthy thing or not(?), but that's another entire post, I suppose ;c)

Wanna know why I'm so happy right now? Because my client Rachel, sent me this email:

Val ~

Thanks for all your hardwork making our wedding picture experience so wonderful - from the day of the wedding until now! Phil and I are so happy with our pictures and our album. Phil said he thinks it is the nicest album he has ever seen, and although, to be honest, I'm not sure he looks at as many wedding albums as I do, he isn't overly generous with compliments. Since he left it all up to me to pick out the pictures I was really glad he was pleased with it! He really liked the high quality of the album, too - the thick pages, beautiful mats, etc. The family members who have seen the album have liked it a lot, as well.

I'm hoping there will be an opportunity for Pickles & Pacifiers sometime soon.

So, yeah, I am really happy right now :c)

I work hard at trying to give my clients a good experience. I try very hard. And those who are not happy, I feel, are just trying to take advantage of me somehow (that's another problem I have . . . allowing people to walk all over me and I've gotten TONS better with that since starting my biz. I HAD to! -- wow, you're really learning about all my weaknesses, aren't you?), or else they think I have this business with all kinds of employees who can turn around pictures in no time. I think sometimes people forget that I am ONE person and one person who works from home with 2 small children. I work every waking hour that I have time to, AFTER I meet the needs of my children. I very much wish I could have employees but I just can't afford it yet.

Overall, out of the 50 weddings I have shot and 75 other clients I have had in 5 years, I've maybe only had 2 unhappy clients ever. I think that's pretty good. I always try my best, and the email above is proof of that. It also really affirms to myself that I do give 110% and that maybe, just maybe, I AM pretty good at what I do :c)

Vote for my pics with just a click!

I've entered a couple photos from this year to JPG magazine. If you like 'em, please take the time to vote! It's not a big prize or anything ($100) but it still gets my work published, which would be the best reward! So, if you have time, head on over if you would :c)




I plan to add more as often as I am able. So come on back when you can :c) (Thank you!)

p.s. There are about 8 pictures on there altogether. So feel free to vote for any (or all!) :c)

Stop and smell the roses.

I'm happy to say that I got the photos done last night for 2 wedding albums. That is about 150 pictures that have to be individually prepped. Yay, I'm happy. Now 2 more wedding albums to go and about 15 orders.

Here's some pics from album #1 . . .



I was suppose to be attending my sil's brother's wedding this Saturday. I made the decision not to yesterday. I feel good about that. While I am sad that I'll be missing the chance to see Missy and Andy tie the knot, my sis stand up with them with her big beautiful belly, and my niece stand up there with her blond curls and adorable dress, I'm happy because I will have an entire day to get things done. There's always pictures. Thank goodness for pictures. As much as I want to be there for them, I have to do something for myself in order to stay sane and make my customers happy.

So, I'm doing nothing today but catching up on blogs (hopefully) and email. Feeling not so chipper has forced me to sit down and really appreciate the little things. When I really stop and smell the roses, I notice that I have so many very special things around me and so many things to be happy and thankful for.

my kids giggling in the bathtub together
dark chocolate m&m's
colorful and crafty blogs
friends who leave nice and encouraging comments here
my phone when it doesn't ring
orders that are done
not having to leave the house all day for anything
the sounds of rustling leaves outside
my cats sunbathing in a streak of sunlight
my husband calling me to tell me he made it to New Jersey safely
friends who ask if they can do anything for you (even when they have 4 kids and one that's sick)
friends who come over and help you with your work without expecting anything in return
warm cozy college sweatshirts
the smell of banana bread cooking
kids napping
peanut butter ice cream
4 cups of hot coffee
photographs of my beautiful children all over the house
a son who asks his sister if she would go with him to the bathroom so he can go poopy . . . now that really made me giggle when I heard that just now

fixing my kids corndogs for lunch and remembering how my grandpa use to love buying me corndogs at the state fair
the smell of clean hair
the colors of my walls which I love
my bed that's not made, knowing that I really don't have to make it all today because Neil will not be home tonight :c)
knowing that my favorite shows will be on TV tonight and that I actually will have the chance to sit down and enjoy them because I can't work

There, my list of little things for Thursday. I'm thinking I might start a Thursday's Thoughts again and use it as a chance to either share quotes or share my "little things", which I know we all can stand to be reminded of every-so-often.

wah-wah-wah-wah

Okay, this is going to be a woe-is-me, wah-wah-wah post.

This is my problem. I'm tired, I'm exhausted, and I'm sick and I don't know how other work at home mom's do it. I really don't. There has gotta be a secret.

I've been soooo busy that I seriously have hardly had time to breath. But I haven't been staying up till the wee hours of the night, either, because I can't. I have been falling asleep at my computer. So I've been going to bed about 11 or 11:30 which is really early for me. I'm tired. So tired. And I think it's affecting me. But I have no other option than to work my buns off. But I'm sick now. . . maybe because of this, I don't know? So much pressure is on me right now to get all these holiday orders done, and ALL BY MYSELF. Ugh.

I just feel like (for lack of a better word) crap. Mom thinks I'm working too much and need to hire someone. Yeah, I do, but not this late in the game. I'd have to change how I do my business and taxes and I just don't feel like dealing with that now at the end of the year. Heather came to help me out for a couple hours last night --- for free --- and we got tons done (she is such a quick learner and a good friend; I'm lucky to have her).

I really don't know how other work-at-home moms do it. Like, I'm sooooo thankful that I get to stay at home with the job that I have and that it means I get to spend so much time with my kids. I would not change that for the world. I know how blessed I am and I count my blessings, believe me. However, that doesn't mean it isn't hard.

The hardest thing for me is keeping my work and home separate . . . physically and mentally. My mediums (photographs -- disks, files, computers, some negatives still, cameras, lenses, memory cards) are so fragile. It's very hard to keep my kids out of my office. They're very good about not touching my computer and cameras, but I know accidents can happen.

One of the hardest things is fitting in time to do my work. It's hard for me to start a project and then tend to a beckon call because the work I do is so tedious. It's art and it takes a lot of concentration for me to work in Photoshop on a picture. I have to get into my graphic design frame-of-mind (and honestly, I love being in that world. It's fun for me.). It's really hard for me to go from one state-of-mind to the other back and forth, back and forth, constantly all day long. *I think that is what tires me the most.*

I yearn for an office out of my house. I yearn for those office hours that so many people get. My work time is not during daylight hours, but nighttime hours. I really begin my work around 5:30 or 6 every night and I work until 1 or 2 in the morning. But even that time until 9:00 is hit or miss because even when darling hubby is here, my kids still want me. And it's precious time taken away from my wonderful family who I want to spend time with.

Maia is very attached to her mama right now. She is such a mama's girl, which I love of course, but it means that she wants mommy to help her potty, mommy to get her a drink, mommy to hold her, mommy to read her a story, mommy to tuck her into bed, and so on. I won't not do those things. I'm always there when my kids need me. Always. Which again, I'm so thankful for the opportunity to mother them. I just want to be able to do my job right -- as a mother, wife and photographer -- and with a little less stress. Just a tiny bit less stress and burden. I really do. Really really do.


I very well could rent out an office space outside of my house, and we've talked about it many a times. But then I talk myself and Neil out of it saying "it's not going to be much longer and then the kids will be in school and I can work during the day". But secretly in my mind I wish I did have that office space right now. It doesn't make sense, though, to spend that money to rent a place when I am capable of doing it here . . . just not to the best of my ability, unfortunately. I definitely don't think I'm doing the best that I can work-wise. I have so much more in me.

I can't not work. I love it too much and I think photography is what keeps me going. It's my passion. It's what God created me to do, I know that. I just don't know how to do my work in the most sensible way without feeling all these burdens and without feeling so rushed and without feeling so cut off from the rest of the world. That's my other problem. Missing out on life.

I don't ever see happy fun weekends with my family. I'm either shooting a wedding or doing sittings because I can't very well do sittings during the week. If I'm not shooting, I'm proofing and getting orders ready and putting albums together. I seriously put my "40-hour weeks" in on the weekends. I don't see very many family moments and I secretly feel like I'm missing out on so much. But at the same time, I don't want a job away from home and I don't want my kids in day care. It's just a vicious thought pattern and cycle.

That said, I think I've made myself sick. I can't tell my clients no. I can't not do things my friends ask me to do for them. I can't not do things potential clients as me to do. And I don't not want to do it for them, either. I guess what I want is more time. Longer days. For time to stop so my kids don't grow up in a blink of an eye like I feel like they're doing. I don't want to miss out on time with my husband. I just don't want to regret anything. Is there a reasonable workable solution? Anyone know?

How do other photographers do it especially? I find myself lurking at their sites all the time, almost literally drooling over their work, knowing very well that I could do the same and have the same amazing clientele. I wonder how they do it . . . how they are able to keep up on blogs, their site, their work, conventions, their brochures, their specials, new tools of the trade, photography message boards, everything! . . . all so successfully and appear to still have time?! HOW DO THEY DO IT?!

I just need to take a breather. I think I need to sleep, actually. Both my kids are napping and I'm taking this as a Godsend. I need to rest my mind and my soul and start tonight fresh. I have tons I could do now, but this killer headache is going to keep me from doing any of it right. So I think I'll sleep.

wah-wah-wah-wah. Woe-is-me.

Latest shoots

Remember me talking about my friend, Heather, who just got engaged? Well, here she is, with her beau, Lee. Aren't they cute?! A really amazing photographer shot them a few weeks ago. ;) I love this picture, don't you?

And, finally, finally, I am getting to catch up on some of my work. So with that comes posting new pictures at my blog. So check'em out when you have a chance. There's some more pictures of Heather, Lee and Lee's son. Oh, and we can't forget Syd (a.k.a. Stumpy Yellow Dog)! Plus many many more!

Happy weekend!

The good and the very bad

The good news is what is getting me through today.

Maia has gone over a week without her pacifier. She asked for her "assi" once yesterday and that was the only time in a whole week. It pretty much happened overnight without any trouble whatsoever. That's how it was with Noah, too. I only wish potty training would be that easy.

She pooped on the potty today. She told me! And she pee-peed twice. (Yay!) But she easily forgets. She was sitting on my lap when all of the sudden I felt something warm. I didn't even think twice about it (I thought it was just her warm bum sitting on my lap) until I noticed I was sitting in a pool. Gross. So, back into a diaper we went. It takes time. And I'm glad we've came this far. But the pacifier thing makes me really really happy. Especially because of this news that makes me want to vomit.

Bad news is this. I think I lost 5 client's photographs. Makes me want to throw up. I probably will if I don't find them. I've searched the 3 cards that I thought they were on. I even bought a $200 recovery program to find them. To no avail. And it makes me sick. I still have 3 cards to check but I am 99% sure they are not on there. I do not hardly ever use those cards anymore. They are 2 GB and very slow. I usually use my fast 4.0 GB cards. I really really want to throw up. I've even had the thought of leaving town. I do not want to face these people. (What will I say? I don't even think I could face them without crying. It is just that upsetting to me. And one was a maternity session in which my client had the baby.) This is bad. Very bad. And I need prayers. Please. Please. Please. I hope this isn't a selfish plea. But I need a miracle.

There are not many times I hate my job, but today I do. With a vengeance.

Breakin' news

Not really. Just thought that was a cute little title for today. You'll see.

I had another morning the same as Friday with Noah. He didn't want to go, he pleaded with me to go home. His excuses were "I'm sooooo tired, mommy", or "it's so cold", and I responded, "it will be warm inside your school" and of course when we set foot in the door he said "it's coooooold in here, too" in a whiney tone. (ugh.)

I said a little prayer as I walked out the door this morning. And guess what? I was only in the school 2 minutes sitting on the floor trying to get Noah to play with one of his really good buddies, Brevin, and in walks my saint (hehe), Leann, who is normally not on schedule but running a tad bit late (love ya, Leann!), but not today!

I said, "today is going to be another day like Friday", and she said, "no it's not, I'm here." So, somehow I snuck out while Leann stayed on the floor with Noah trying to get him to play with Brevin and her daughter, Kristin. I got in the car and what a relief I felt come over me. The fact that I was able to leave without hearing screams as I stood outside the school door was amazingly peaceful. Now, I know Leann may not be there every day, but I really think she was my angel in disguise today.

I had a really great weekend and I hope you did also.

Originally we were going to go to Chuck-E-Cheese on Saturday with my friends, Heather, Lee and Cole, but, well, that didn't work out with the behavior I encountered on Friday (I'm a mother who is following through with discipline -- yay me). So, instead we all went to an estate auction of my adopted grandma's, Marie.

Marie passed away in May. I had known her all my life. I posted about her death a while back. Her estate auction was finally on Saturday.

I wanted really badly to get some things of hers. (Well, some I already did get . . . one very important thing which she had "left" for just for me. I'll post about that later -- it's so incredibly special!). And two of those things were an old (old) chair that I had always grown up sitting in, and an old Brownie camera. But while there, I got way way way into being the cool passive bidder (ha ha, yeah right. I was the one waving my number way up high in the air for all to see. How inconspicious I was ---- not!) and bid on a lot of things.

I'd see things that I remembered . . . and you know how I am with memories. So I bid on them. Or I'd see things I didn't know she had and felt the urge to have myself -- usually old vintage things -- and then I'd bid on those, too. So I walked away with a lot. And I was happy. Very happy. Still am.

People rarely bid against me and I think it's because I was a young female (I'm still young, right?) bidding against tons and tons of old farmer men and perhaps I made them feel insecure or maybe they were just shocked? I doubt it, really. I'm sure they were just being incredibly nice. That's just how farmers are. So I had a really really great time.

And then I walked through Marie's house one last time. Talk about memories. I stood in the living room and could vividly picture all her furniture in it, my brother and I sitting on the floor playing, and Marie sitting in "her" la-z-boy chair watching us and watching us when suddenly she would blurt out something that was on her mind and usually it was something sarcastic that I just didn't "get". But as I grew older, I did learn what a funny, very blunt, yet very loving and caring woman she was. It was great going down memory lane. I miss her.

Oh! So what I won! The two biggest things ----- my camera (for $3!, no kidding!), which I'm guessing is probably from the 1930's or 40's. And then MY CHAIR! So I'll post pics one day when I actually take them. I got some other really cool finds which my vintage-loving friends will really adore.

So my breakin' news is this. I need to take another break. I must. I spend way too many mornings and afternoons on my computer on the internet and not in photoshop like I should be doing. I would be ahead, instead of behind, if I'd just attribute those hours to my work. So that's what I'm doing again. I have to get caught up because in just a few weeks I'm having my Halloween party, which as of now, I'm totally not prepared for AT ALL. When are we ever prepared, really? But this is a big party . . . and it keeps getting bigger . . . so I need, no MUST, work a little bit harder or I will never ever be caught up.

I leave you with a picture of the honeysuckle that has (over) grown on our deck. Isn't it pretty? Once the blooms are gone, I'm cutting it all down. It's way too overtaken. But it's quite beautiful.
Have a great week, my friends!

Photographing a birth.

{So I wrote this last night and I feel the urge to post it today. Once I download and play with the pictures, I will be sure to post them privately here online at my blog with a required password. When I do post them, probably tonight or tomorrow, and you'd like to see, please make a request via email -- use the 'email me' button in my sidebar -- or via the comment section -- just leave your email. I would love to make the photos open to the public, but so many of them are very personal and would be an invasion of their privacy to show publicly. Already with them graciously welcoming me into their private world, I was blessed incredibly so I cannot overstep my boundaries. I can't wait to share them with you! Here's my story shooting my first birth.}


This evening I write from Word because I am trying very hard to not do anything blog-related this week. But I can't not write in words what I am feeling at this very moment, so I write here.

Tonight I was a part of an amazing life-fulfilling event. I had the honor of shooting a live birth, and the word 'amazing' just does not sum it up for me. I sit here in tears as I recall the hustle and bustle that I just left. I am crying because I've never ever been a part of something so spectacular. It was life-changing for me.

Life-changing because, how many women get to see what I saw, from my view? They are usually on the other end of it, right? And to be a part of this as a spectator, as a photographer just there to shoot pictures and nothing else, was not something many women get to do --- ever. And perhaps not many women want to see it? But I got to and I wanted to. Which is the second reason why it was so life-changing. This experience brought me peace.

With my two children, their births ended unlike any planned birth. They were anything but planned.

With Noah, immediately after the epidural was given, his heart rate dropped substantially. So abruptly and so low, that I was rushed to surgery, inti bated and the nurses had me cut open in 6 minutes, before my doctor even arrived. Noah came to us safely, but my experience was awful. I didn't see or feel anything of his birth but was in major pain for weeks after because of such invasive cutting. I didn't get to see him for over 2 hours after the birth. My husband wasn't even in the surgery room. Even though yes, "all that matters is that he was healthy", a big piece has been missing in my heart ever since. Something I couldn't pretend to be happy about. Birth the way it was meant to be was an experience I never had.

With Maia, I wanted so badly to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after Cesarean). I was induced because of high blood pressure. They broke my water. I was in labor for 30 hours. Yes, thirty. I had an ultrasound at my 30th hour of labor which lead to us finding out that Maia's head wasn't engaging. Either her head was too large or my pelvis too small. (My doctor and doula think it were both.) Her heart rate began to slowly decline (she was tired and saying I was tired is an understatement) so off I went to surgery, after 30 hours of labor and no food or sleep in 2 days. My doula couldn't even be in surgery with us. I did get to see my baby this time after birth, but only while my arms were strapped down unable to actually hold her. All I could do was smile and cry. And then she was whisked away so that I could go to recovery. When I got back, I still did not get to hold her because they found her to have a heart problem. So she lived in the NICU for two days. I didn't get to hold my baby for two whole days. Can you imagine?

Another birth gone not the way as planned. And while of course I was elated and thanking God that she turned out to be completely healthy just with a strangely boot-shaped heart, I still was missing another piece in my heart. And guess what? Tonight I got those pieces back . . . and way more. What a blessing God granted me.

There's nothing more miraculous in life than life itself being born. And I got to witness it with my own two eyes and capture it forever. I saw a head full of hair poking it's head out, I saw a daddy literally catch his baby as it was being born, I saw the placenta being delivered, I even saw her being stitched up. I saw baby Jake take his first breath of life outside the womb screaming while the rest of his body was still in. It was a-maz-ing.

I saw blood, and lots of it, and didn't even want to throw up. It was different. I wasn't seeing it in a textbook or a movie. I saw it in real life. I saw life being born and nothing about that is sickening. I saw blood in a shade of red that was just absolutely beautiful. (Can blood be beautiful? Yes!) I've never seen such a pure beautiful red before. I can't wait to show you pictures.

I was so blessed to have had this opportunity. The nurses were so welcoming and interested in what I was doing. The delivering doctor was as well. She even asked for a business card and then went back to her office to look my site up online (!!). When the baby was being born she was fine with me coming in closer. There wasn't a single thing that she asked me not to shoot. Leann, my friend and the mother's doula, waved me in closer during the actual birth because she wanted me to get pictures. At first I was hesitant, but then I couldn't stop pushing the shutter. I still don't know what all I took. Tonight I will proof them all and see.

I am never ever going to forget this. It was so life-changing. And I can't wait for the next. A water birth in October. Wow, God is just so good to me. SO GOOD. And life is just so good. So beautiful. So pure. So truly amazing.

And I caught it all.

M.I.A. @ VWC

I decided tonight, while working late, with screaming going off in my head because my hard drive keeps saying "disk space full", meaning my hard drive is completely full of 'stuff' (a.k.a. wedding photos, other photos, people's lives!) and cannot hold one more single thing. Wait, okay, so back to the thought.

I decided tonight that I cannot waste a single moment this week on the internet, on my blog, or reading other blogs (even though I enjoy those things immensely), because I have have have have to clear things off my computer and make room for all the dozens of jobs and orders sitting in front of me, and then do those orders.

The only way I am going to allow myself to blog and read blogs is, if I can clear my head of all my work stressors. The only way to clear my head of all my work stressors is to GET CAUGHT UP. So that is my plan, Stan, and I'm sticking to it. Get all my work orders done even if that means staying up till 1 or 2 a.m. (like I'm doing now) to get them done. (Man, I'm going to be tired, but thought of greener grass on the other is quite intriguing.)

Pretend I don't have any work to do and I still have a feeling this week is going to be nutty.

The Farm Progress Show is here this week. Yes, I live in Illinois, yes I am a farm girl, and yes I like tractors. My dad and hubby both are working at the show, so we are going to head over there one day for the kids to see all the tractors with grandpa. Wednesday I do a big shoot for a well-known name in a neighboring town, then Thursday my client, Jen, is getting induced for the birth that I get to photograph! So, sometime Thursday I will probably be in a birthing room (happy 'eek!').

Wow this week is going to go by fast and I'm sure going to miss you. But I have to do this. Have to.

Oh, and a tiny bit of exciting news. My very good friend (blogging bud), Erin, is coming to visit me in October for FOUR days all the way from our neighboring country, Canada! We were just chit-chattin' away the other night on the computer and I mentioned the Halloween/Housewarming party that we are having in October and she was like 'I so wish I could come!' and then she thought about it and thought about (actually only thought about for a few minutes!) and said she was going to look at flights 'just to see'. And suddenly she's like 'I'm going to do it, I'm going to come see you!' and next thing I know, she buys the ticket! How cool is that?! I'm so excited. SO EXCITED!! I still cannot believe she is coming!

So that's it from me this evening. Err, um, well, morning, technically. I seriously am going to stay away for a week. I know you don't think I will, but I'm making it a rule for myself until I get caught up. I cannot not email though because of my clients, so if you need me, want to talk to me, want to say hi, want to see if my eyes haven't fallen out from staring at the computer screen too long from tweaking photos, please email me.

Adios, my friends!

Slacker, me. Amazing, Ally.

I know I am wayyyyy behind. Way way behind. Behind with my work, behind with putting my house together, behind with doing everything on my to-do list (which thank God I found, Leann!), behind with reading blog entries and behind with writing in mine. But, hey, such is life, right?

I just got my desk top computer back up on Monday. I couldn't do any work until then because my laptop just cannot hold all the memory each one of my pictures take up. It would take such a slooooow time to just bring one up in Photoshop. I couldn't work all weekend long last weekend because when they (the Mac people) reinstalled the hard drive onn my desk top, they didn't tell me the password for me to install my programs, like Photoshop, to do my work in. I was so flippin' mad. But that's fixed now. Phew.

Neil took off last Monday and Tuesday of this past week so I could begin working again. I proofed just one wedding in two days, but that's mostly because it took me almost one entire day just to download pictures from CD's, to install (all over again) all my programs, to callibrate my monitor, etc. Took forever. I now have one more wedding to proof and then I can get on to the smaller orders that people have so very patiently been waiting on me to do. (Huge thank you's go out to them!)

Anyhow, I am almost done now with the 2nd wedding on my to-do list (from back in June). At this wedding, one of my good friends, who also assisted me in my weddings a couple years ago, came home from her job in South Carolina to visit her family. She also made time for me and spent an entire day reliving her working-with-Val days and we had a blast! Such a great time. Here's a picture of Ally and I from that wedding. Ally is the best. I so love this chica!Ally is my amazing friend who flies C-17's for the Air Force. She is a pilot to these powerfully huge planes. Here's a picture of her plane loading the President's Air Force One. Every time I see pictures like this I think to myself "wow, how lucky this girl is to do this and see the things she does".

Ally in her get-up on her plane.

Yes, she flies these planes that carry other planes and automobiles (and other things, people and equipment). She has also flown injured soldiers in the war to the hospitals in Germany. She has had to make journeys literally all over the world. In the fall she is changing bases and beginning work out of Alaska. She is really really excited. I am, too, because our hopes are to go visit her up there. Too bad she couldn't just pick me up, but she isn't allowed to make civilian stops. Darn it :c)
This is the view she sees with her own eyes almost every day. She has blessed us by allowing us to see what she sees. She gets to see the world in such a beautiful way . . . I love it how she is always taking pictures of it. I would be, too. Isn't it amazing?! (By the way, those mountains are Alaska.)
I swear you can see the roundness of the Earth. Absolutely breathtaking.
Here she shot a picture of what she sees while landing. She had another one that was right before they touched down. I was thinking "shouldn't your hands be somewhere other than the camera?!" She tells me about how she reads and takes pictures all the time while "driving". That just astonishes me!Some of her crew on the C-17.

Anyhow, hopefully as I get more and more work projects done this week, I can find more time to post. Until then, I wanted to say how much I miss you all and how I can't wait to get back into the "norm" again. (Question is, will it ever be normal again??) Take care and talk to you soon. xxoo