I interrupt the voting to cry . . .

It has not been a good day today so far. I need some other mommies to make me feel better.

Noah has been having troubles going to school and today was yet another one of those days. But probably the worst thus far.

He was fine getting in the car, and while on our 5 minute ride in the car to school he was okay, too. He did say a few times that he didn't want to go to school today. (I ignored him.) Then we got to school and as I was getting him ready to get out of the car I overheard another parent tell their child that "today's picture day!" and in panic mode I look into Noah's book bag (because I hadn't done it yet -- to be honest, I don't normally -- I am oblivious to how being a mommy to a child in school works, so I don't usually do that) and of course there are like a dozen papers in his bag, all mostly things from the school and one of them was a form for school pictures which indeed ARE TODAY and the form was suppose to have been turned in yesterday. Ugh. I am such a bad mom. I just haven't got the hang of this stuff yet.

Noah looked nothing like the other children. They had on pretty dresses and button-up shirts. Noah has a big goose egg bump on his head from literally running into the wall a few nights ago. And I put a wrinkled t-shirt on him and didn't try and make his hair look any better. (And why would I? He just plays at school and usually gets messy or dirty.) He didn't want to be there, so his eyes were red from the urges he had to just start sobbing. And now that I'm gone, I know that his eyes will definitely be red in the pictures . . . he may even be crying in the pictures . . . or worst case, not even in them at ALL. Which is probably the most likely scenario since he absolutely HATES having his pictures taken, and that really stinks for his mother who is a photographer! (Sigh.)

So that's how my day began.

He wouldn't follow directions for me or his teacher. His friends came to console him and he just pushed them away! My son pushed them away. Makes me so sad because I feel like I'm one of the most compassionate people around and I welcome compassion from others, yet he wants nothing to do with it. At all.

I walked him up to his room, hoping that would help. That was probably the worst decision for me to have made. He did walk up with me, but when we got in the room he broke out into a bloody murder crying fit with tears rolling down his eyes and couldn't catch his breath because he was getting that upset.

His teacher, who I LOVE, and still do, said probably the worst thing to me. She said, "honey, he's really still just a baby" and then gives me a big hug. Um, okay, well what mother would just LEAVE HER CRYING BABY WHO IS SCREAMING "MOMMMMMMY"? I know she was trying to console me, but it only made me feel worse, like maybe I shouldn't even have my "baby" in school yet.

So I did leave, with him chasing after me. His teacher followed, but wasn't quick enough. He fell to the floor sobbing. I just kept going and did look back which was the worst thing I could do. To see him the way he was makes me cry now thinking about it. I know school is great for him and his teachers are wonderful and his friends are the most caring little people. But that doesn't mean it's not hard for him . . . or me.

I called Neil right away. And then Leann called me, like she almost knew I was having a bad morning even though I hadn't seen her yet. And then I called mom. And then Leann called me back again. I do feel a little better, but man, it's hard. I know others of you have probably had struggles. I just want people to tell me this is normal and that we're doing the right thing with him and could you also please tell me there will soon be a rainbow emerging out of this (what seems to be every day that we go to school) event that continues to take place. I just can't see one right now. And did I mention that I just feel like a bad mommy? I know I'm not, but I feel like it right now and it's hard to just magically make feelings like this go away just like that. :c(


Jennifer said...

This is normal..and VERY NORMAL for boys! It may take some time for things to work out...HAVE YOU ASKED HIM WHY(?) HE DOESN'T WANT TO GO? HE DID THAT FIRST COUPLE DAY~WHAT HAS CHANGED?
I have told you before..stop thinking(feeling) your a bad mother! Your not, if your a bad mommy, we all are too...we go through this stuff too..part of being a parent..and lets face it Parenting is not always peachy!

Now if this was my child..I would dedicate prayers to him daily, and ask The Lord for this help in this situation...not an easy one!

Hope this help girly....YOUR A GREAT MOM!!!!!!

it's me, Val said...

I asked him "why" today and he said "because I don't want to go!". That's it.

I prayed last night about it because I had a feeling it was going to go like this today. Not sure why, but I did!

Alexis Jacobs said...

Chris was horrible when he first started preschool. He acted in similar ways, but after a while it did get better. And once Chris was there and after he settled down he was better. The main thing is to keep taking him and not let him "win."

This is exactly why I am a firm believer in preschools. Yes they learn how to spell and write their name, but more importantly, they learn to be independent of us and how to function in a classroom setting.

This is Noah's first year in school. There will be an adjustment period. But it never fails, at the end of the school year he will cry again. This time because he can't go back.

Hang in the chica, it WILL get better.

Johanna said...

I don't have children yet (duh, you know that) but I am SURE it is very normal. I went to this Montessori preschool in the toddler program when I had just turned 3. We had nap time and the deal was that you had to take off your shoes, put them under your cot and sleep. I hate naps. I hated them when i was kid and I hate them now. One day during the dreaded naptime my mom poked her head into the room. I remember thinking that was my out! No more naptime! I was wrong. She just thought she was going to be peeking in on her sleeping toddler. From that day on, I slept by the door every day and waited to my mom to come "rescue" me from naptime. I also had these little blue maryjane shoes that i alwasy wore (they were my favorites). It made a very lengthy getting ready for naptime process because I had to take them off as the rules said. All the other kids had those zips shoes that were velcro. But I loved my mary janes. So I started just not taking off my shoes, and tucking them under the blanket. I figured it would make it easier to make my clean getaway when my mom came back. The moral of the story is.... My mom never came to get me, and I survived. I was eventually busted for not taking my shoes off, and I survived. After a few weeks, I started falling asleep at naptime and stopped looking for my mom at the door. I survived just like all the other kids did. And I loved school every year after that. I even loved high school (who loves high school)! You are doing the right thing. And just think, when Kindergarten comes around, this will all be old news.

Anonymous said...

Let me tell you what a bad mom is and then maybe it will shed some light on the situation. A bad mom, if she has custody of her child in the first place, would not care if he cries when he goes to school. She would not care if he's unhappy or wrinkled. A bad mom might not take him to school at all if it's a bother to her. A bad Mom can see only her own needs and not even notice her child pushes his friends away because matters of the heart would not matter to her. A bad Mom would not have these emotions and reach out to friends to find comfort because a Bad mom is not burdened by these self perceived shortcomings. You my dear, are a frustrated Mom. A busy Mom. A concerned Mom. A Mom that's hard on herself. You are a Mom that is doing the best for her boy and unfortunatly you are also a Mom..like all of us..that have to reconcile what you thought mommyhood should be like, was going to be like with how mommyhood actually is. That has been my burden since the moment my Son was put in my arms. Nothing has been more emotionally taxing to me than doing what is best for my kids. It seems rarely to be a very popular choice in my kids eyes.
Lesson learned...check the backpack once in awhile. Forgive yourself and move on. Pray about it, cry about it. Do what it takes to get through it. He'll eventually stop throwing a fit when you drop him off. Until then realize that your boy is hysterical to leave you because firmly bonded to you. If he didn't have that incredible attachment it would be nothing for him to be left behind.
Take care little lady. This too shall pass. *bighugfromAz* Amy

LiLi said...

FIRST, take a DEEP breath! Cleansing breath in and then exhale. Repeat as needed. NOW, it's normal. Totally normal. AND Maia will probably be NOTHING like Noah... so don't think that they will both be like this... because seriously, I think it is a boy thing... though some girls go through it, too! Wils totally freaks if I leave him with someone. My brother was the same way. OH and the picture thing, I was the same way, no one could take my picture... then I got asked to model at age 4 and suddenly I loved getting my picture taken... and then I went back to hating it a year later. LOL

I PROMISE YOU, you are doing the RIGHT THING!!! It is NOT easy. I mean, Maegan walks right into school sassy as all get out, and what do I do?? I CRY! WHY? because it is hard to watch our babies grow up and be independent. It is an adjustment for all involved, and Noah is just feeling out his way. He may think that if he fusses and throws a fit, it may make you keep him home, and it might be a little bit of jealousy causing this, knowing Maia gets to be alone with you. You might want to start making a "date" with Noah once a week, where JUST the two of you do something special together. This might help him, if it IS a jealousy issue.

OK my son is screaming... I love you bunches and I know you and Noah will make it through... (((hugs)))

MP said...

live and learn..the good thing is you like his teacher..she'll understand you are learning too

When my step son is over we look in his bag first every night. Especially at your sons age they usually have an update on behaviour and how they are doing

Even 2nd grade he has some days where he just doesn't want to go..I remember in 8th grade not wanting to go!

Keep in touch w/ the teacher, she'll let you know if it's anything to worry about.

Michelle said...

I know we have talked about this and the whole situation! And, you know I am praying for you and Noah (your whole family, really!) :) to make it through this tough transition.

You are a good Mommy! You are a great Mommy! One bad day (or even ten bad days) doesn't change the fact that you are. He will adjust. And he will be alright! I have never seen a kid just not make it through their school years! Hang in there! This too shall pass.


lil ole' me..... said...

Oh Val.. My heart just goes out to you right now! I'll be praying for you and Noah and the entire situation.

From all the other comments, sounds like this is a completely normal reaction to the whole school experience. I am sure Noah will come around!!! Hang in there! It is bound to get better!!!

Lots of ((HUGS)) to you Val!!!

kdl said...

hey val, hope things are better by this evening. from my work perspective, i think amy is right on about what constitutes a bad mom ... and that ain't you :) hang in there and STAY CONSISTENT!!! love, k
p.s.give yourself a break by remembering that you have a lot going onright now (new house, new town, work stuff picking up and changing) and so does noah, so if he cries a few days here and there, and if you cry a few days here and there, in the scheme of things, it's okay :)

Jen said...

youll get the hang of things and how school works Val

and next year youll have the best lookingkid there

besides which you are in a positiion to take wonderful photos of your boy anyway

Val its beneficalkly for kids to have preschool education and you can take that from a person with a bachelor in early childhood education

Im sure it will get easir its early day

Tracey said...

Oh Val, you are not a bad mommy! That's totally normal. When Joey first started pre-school I had to put him on the bus. He SCREAMED and cried and was just sobbing. Putting him on the bus that first day was one of the hardest thing I'd ever done. Of course, I was having flashbacks to putting him in the ambulance a few months earlier when they wouldn't let me go with him, so I felt even worse. It just broke my heart. But, the bus driver said he was done crying within 3 minutes of pulling away. And he loves school while he's there, he just hates going in the morning. I'm sure your little man will learn to love school, it's just going to take him a bit to get there. Hang in there. It does get better, I promise.

LiLi said...

Oh, I just wanted to add this... I started making it a habit last year, while Maegan was getting buckled in, I'd grab her bag and peek in and see if there was anything important that I needed to see... That way, I'd KNOW before I even got home that I needed to tend to something in her bag for school. If I didn't peek right then, I would forget by the time I got home. By peeking and seeing something I needed to tend to, it would be on my mind once we got home. So, if you can get in the habit of checking his bag as soon as he hops in the car, and while you are asking about his day, it will help! AND soon it becomes habit! That's just my little hint! :) I'm sure they'll have other picture days during the year... most have 2 at least. You are an awesome mommy, don't ever think less of yourself, chica. Your babies adore you!

Jamie said...

Val, isn't mommy-hood hard sometimes. Why do we find ourselves questioning everything we do?

You are a great mom. You are not doing anything wrong. You are doing everything you should be doing. He will be fine. He will get over it. Shoot truth be told if I could cry and throw a fit with any chance I could get out of work for the day , I would do it hehe. I never want to go and I really don't play well with others but Mark keeps sending me back day afte day haha.

Anyway at least you take him. I have a little guy in kindergarten who is at the stop crying every day and his mom doesn't even bring him to his stop he has to walk two blocks by himself crying the entire way while his (insert a few choice words here) mom stands at the door of the house and closes it before we ever go by! But once we get under way he is fine and his teacher (yes I talked to her already hehe) said he is fine at school.

I in fact have 3 kindergartners who fight parents in the morning but once we get going they are fine and happy all the way to school and back home.

So it's all normal.

Erin said...

Oh, honey...(((HUGS)))), you two will make it through this. I've done this before. It's so hard, and yes, you do feel horrible, but you ARE NOT a bad mommy!!!! It might take a little while, but eventually they get used to going and staying and it becomes fun. It's so hard to leave your crying child and not stay to comfort, but that's just a little of the heartbreaking part of letting them grow up and become independent...even though it sucks! I'll keep you and him in my prayers that it's going to get easier.

Missy said...

Okay.. I don't have kids, but I did work in a preschool for almost five years.

1. Boys are really rough to transition.

2. So many children threw fits while their parents were still there (even the HUGE crocodile tears) but as soon as they were there for about five minutes, you'd never know. I honestly believe it was to see if their parents would take them back home. We had one little girl (about 3) who did this everyday... until her last day, TWO YEARS LATER. She just wanted to see if she could play her mom.

3. You are a good mom. I've seen you with your children.. I've seen bad mom's with theirs. You don't have anything to worry about.

4. Preschool pictures - you really aren't missing much. I know the preschool I worked at, we took pictures two times a year.. and they are WAY OVER PRICED!! A single 8x10 was $45! Especially with you being a photographer (and a good one at that) you don't need their pictures. Or set up a backdrop, and take your own. They will definately be better than any preschool photographer will take.

5. GOOD LUCK! It has to get easier. Besides, I think you are diong the right thing enrolling him in preschool, before long, he will throw the fit when it is time to go home (another sad thought I know!)

Anonymous said...

I interrupt this cry to ask...did I win? : )-Amy

Christy said...

Oh, I'm so sorry! It may not be what you want to hear, but have you considered waiting a year? Maybe he's just not ready. However, that is absolutely no reflection on you, who sounds like a WONDERFUL mother who loves her child. I would be more worried if it didn't bother you that he was upset!

Chel said...

Oh, sweetie... days like that suck. (Can I say that here on your blog? If not, I apologize.) They're just hard for everyone. And little ones just get things into their heads and don't seem to let go, regardless of how irrational (I'm three some days, so I know).

Here's your lesson from this... especially with a boy... ALWAYS go through the backpack. Griff's in fourth grade, and I still do the daily search through the backpack. If I didn't do that, I'd never know anything going on at the school because he surely wouldn't bother telling me.

You're doing fine!

oh amanda said...

Val! How did I miss this post? I'm so sorry. I know it was 3 days ago, but I still feel sick for you. I have no experience with that so I have no advice. I just remember how excited you were about this school and about what they would be teaching Noah about God. I'm sure this is transition and growth for both of you. Keep me updated, ok! Praying for you both! I hope today was better.

Louise said...

I can identify a bit with that incident my middle boy Ezra refused to go to sunday school until he was well past four years old...he would kick, scream and cry for no reason other than he didn't want to go...our church nursery starts at four months so this was a LONG road for me...feeling frustrated and like a horrible mother leaving my baby kicking screaming and crying and then being called back to the class to take him out, kept us from church for a while. The feelings of being a horrible mother are 'normal' are they true or right? no but sometimes being a mom is overwhelming and sometimes it just plain SUCKS! keep your chin up you are a great mom!!