"15 Years Ago . . ."

I like to head back to my old blog at Yahoo 360 that I started back in 2006 from time to time. I ran across one post that I thought I would post o'er here. It's called "15 Years Ago". Hope you take the time to read . . .

15 years ago I moved, at the age of 15, from the place I was born and raised, R.R. #1 Box 317. A place that will always be my "home". A place that will forever hold the most amazing memories growing up. A place where I had so many "firsts". A place I will never forget.

My dad was a farmer. He had some really great years of farming and some really bad ones as well. Even though there were more good years than bad, it was those few bad years that brought our lives on the farm, under. We lived through a couple intensely straining years of droughts, making us next to no money, and it was those years that made us unable to thrive there any longer. I can still remember vividly the moment dad sat us down in the living room as a family to tell us the news that we had to give up the farm, and that dad had to find a new job and most likely we'd be moving far away. Until that point in my life, the experience of moving was the hardest thing I had faced I think because it was the farthest thing from my mind. Being an emotionally attached person to things and memories (like my mom), it was a really difficult experience. One that is pretty cemented in my heart and soul. One that will probably always have an impact on me. I learned without certainty, where my heart would reside forever. I absolutely loved the farm and those memories are forever cherished.

Tonight I had a family picture session in Argenta, my hometown. Afterwards I decided since I didn't have my kids with me, that I'd go down memory lane. I drove by my old high school. Well, what was left of it. Most of it, but the old gym, has been torn down and rebuilt. I hadn't seen it yet, and it was a big shocker to see it totally revamped like it is. It's really really nice. The 2-year wait was definitely worth it for the kids and teachers that are there now. The hardest thing for me, again, are the memories that I have in those buildings. My grandma and grandpa went to school there. They met there. Neil and I met there. There's a lot of ancestory in those buildings. I'm very proud of that. Not many these days can say they went to the same school that their grandparents (and other family members) did.

After going by the school, I decided to drive by Neil's old house, and then my old house. I stopped at the end of the lane to my old farm house and sat there, thinking, should I just drive on up? Knowing that the man who lived there died a few months ago, I went up the quarter-mile lane. I'm really glad I did.

The corn was high so I couldn't see the house till I drove the whole 1/4 mile. When I first saw the house I was in disbelief. I expected to see it how I left it 15 years ago. It was still the same house, but it was extremely run down. A few of the barns were gone, many of the trees were gone, the bridge over the creek was gone, the pump house was gone, lots of the landscaping was gone. It didn't look very good at all. I got out of my car and started taking pictures of things that I wanted to remember visually. So I walked around the entire farm. It took me about 45 minutes, but it was perfect. Just me and my camera, walking around the place I once ran around as a naive little girl.

I saw the old basketball hoop that my dad put up for Chris and I. The old pumps were all still there in various places. The sidewalks were the same, as well as the big rock in the front yard that my dad found many many years ago. My tree, which was once a seedling in 4th grade, was there and bigger than I had ever imagined. I guess that's what happens when you see it as a tree that's now 21 years old. I saw the old tree house and the steps leading up to it. They just hung from a single nail. I could not believe those were still there. I peeked into the machine shed and saw dad's old work bench. I also peeked into the house itself and saw our old wood-burning stove that Chris and I went with dad to get when we were tots. The kettle was still on the top of it. I also saw the stairs leading up to my bedroom and the front porch with the same old wood door. That porch is where I first saw my first bike, where I stood with my pumpkins that I called "bumpkin" at 1-1/2 years old, where I housed my kittens when it stormed. Oh the memories.

The house is not lived in. And the owner, the same one who owned it when we lived there, is in his 90's. I wonder what is going to happen to it? Neil and I have on occasion talked about it, wondering if it's worth looking into buying perhaps? Nothing in the house is really salvagable, it's that run down. But the structure is probably good. I would be tickled to death if that's something we could do. I guess it doesn't hurt to check into it. Through the tears I thought to myself this evening how amazing it would be to raise my own kids there. Maybe just maybe this is why I went out there? To discover that "this" is where we are meant to be?

Anyhow, I just had to share my little 45 minute experience. Even if I never ever go back there again, I feel at peace now. I've always had a hard time dealing with the move - we literally auctioned 15+ years of our family's life away - and I never ever thought I'd go back. But going back was like saying goodbye one last time. And I felt really good doing it this time.

The reason why I posted this is that our farm house has finally been put on the market. My mom asked me this past weekend if I wanted to go with my dad to the open house. (She couldn't even fathom thinking about going.) At first I thought I wanted to go . . . to go with dad and see it with him. But then I thought about it and decided not to. I already made my peace. I don't need to see it again looking as sad as it is now. I don't remember it as a sad place but as a very happy one. I want to continue remembering it like that. But I did want dad to be able to go so that he could make some peace with it, too. I know that the move was probably harder on him than anyone, he just never expressed that. I have a feeling whoever buys the house and the out-buildings, that they will tear the house down. I think that will be one of the hardest days of my life when I hear that it's no longer there. I wish it were us buying it and making it live-able, but we just can't. Not at this time in our lives.

It just amazes me as I grow older, how things change like they do. When you are younger, you never anticipate change ever happening. I don't even think as a child I knew what change was. You don't see yourself ever growing older and you don't see memories ever fading. Life. It's a confusing crazy ever-changing thing. But a good thing.

This is me in front of the house on the farm. * sob *

I am time traveling . . .

. . . thanks to the idea from Amanda, who got the idea from Annie.

My first blog post ever . . . over at Yahoo 360 June 2006, almost 1 year ago! Another reason to introduce this 'time traveling' post to you . . .

And here's just how blogging began for me . . .


My dear friend, Alexis, inspired me to start my own "blog". It seems to be "the thing to do" these days. I use to keep a journal every day, until shortly after Noah was born. It use to be part of my life. So now I think it's time to begin one again. (Although who would have ever thought that I'd be writing it from a computer posting it to the big world wide web instead of pen and paper into a journal that sits under my bed?) Not only is a good outlet (I need some sort of stress outlet these days), but because perhaps one day my children will want to read it and learn about their mommy, daddy, and what their young little lives were like through the eyes of their mom. So, thanks, Alexis, for the inspiration! You are such a good writer. I only hope I can write half as good as you.

It's already the middle of June. The summer is going by way too fast. I feel like the older I get, the quicker time goes. I wish time would just pause for a moment so I could get all my work things done as well as all the things on my endless to-do lists. The one thing I have learned, though, is that time stops for no one. So this summer we've got a lot of things planned. Not as much as I would wish, but on the weekends that I don't have a wedding to shoot, we have some fun things going on. It's going to be a fun year with Noah 2-1/2 and really interested in everything around him. He talks all the time (and we actually understand him!) which makes every day with him so fun and interesting. He is such an amazing little boy. I can't believe this is our 3rd summer with him in our lives.

Speaking of Noah, today I took him to a "class" at the carriage house. It was for 2-3 year olds. He was one of about 8 other little ones. They made a gift for their daddies. They had the children take off their shoes and socks and have their feet painted and then make prints of their feet to be framed for dad. Noah wanted nothing to do with it - at all. He sat on my lap as each child one-by-one had their feet painted and giggled because it tickled them. He'd laugh at the other kids, but every time I asked if he wanted to take his shoes and socks off to have his turn he'd say "nuh-uh". I didn't realize it until today how shy my son is. My mom tells me that I was just like that when I was little. But it never got better over time. I feel like I missed out on a lot of fun little adventures and I don't want Noah to miss out on them, too. Maybe it's just a phase? I sure hope so. Truth be told: he looks so much like his daddy, but his little mind works so much like his mommy's. Underneath my uncertainty about that shyness, I'm smiling.

So, onto my little Miss Maia. She's growing up way too fast too. For these reasons I wouldn't mind it if time stopped. She still makes my heart melt. Just within the past week she's had two big milestones! 1) She can sit up on her own and not tumble down, and 2) She can now drink out of a sippy cup! I think I am more excited about #2 because perhaps it means mommy will get a break now and again from nursing. While I love it with so much passion (and yes, that's coming from the same person who hated it with so much passion when Noah was an infant), it's really tiring some days to have to nurse constantly every 3-4 hours. But she's almost 8 months old. How much longer can it last? (I know Alexis is saying 'oh, 10 more months, Val!') Laura, a friend of mine, told me that once she is weaned I'm going to wish for yesterday. And I know she is right. Which is why I hardly ever complain about it. I'm trying to cherish these moments as much as possible. Life (my life and her life) is too short not to.

Re-posting ~ pregnancy advice

My friend, Corie, posted a funny entry in her blog today. You'll have to go check it out. Made me laugh. It also got me to thinking about a blog entry I posted a while ago at my old Yahoo 360 account which I don't think anyone ever read but Alexis (love you for being so loyal to me, AJ!). So I thought, hey, I'll post this certain past post entry on pregnancy over here and maybe even post some of my others for memories-sake in the days to come just because I might not have anything else to talk about. (I know you are thinking "yeah, right, Val" as you roll your eyes.) So here is my post from June 2006 which I had originally written for my two at-the-time preggie friends, Katie and Kristin. Maybe those of you thinkin' to have babies will be able to benefit from this. If not, well then it's just more useless information.

Great news!! Two very good friends of mine are pregnant! Katie, a friend of mine from "nerd" camp the summer after my 8th grade year (she was chosen to be my roommate), and Kristin, a friend from 7th grade on (it's been 18 years - wow!).

I'm so excited for each of them because they deserve to become mothers. They are going to be so wonderful at it. There are no two people more deserving of good things than Katie and Kristin. Katie is due in October (very near Noah and Maia's birthdays, and Katie's own birthday as well) and Kristin is due in January. I told Kristin that one day when she got pregnant, I'd probably have all kinds of advice or words of wisdom for her. So after she told me her great news, I compiled a list of things I wish I had known. Things doctors don't always tell you, things some books don't even tell you! So this list is for both of you. Love you and hope you enjoy.

Val's List of Pregnancy Things You Should Know:

* Things grow faster. Your nails grow faster and are stronger and your hair grows faster (and falls out less). Both two very positive things, I think!

* They say you shouldn't eat deli meat. I never did with Noah, but craved it when pregnant with Maia and broke the rules. Nothing happened, I was fine. My suggestion is to just go with your gut feeling on this, as with most things.

* You'll probably forget things during pregnancy, especially the simplest tasks. It's ok. But just don't do what I did but learn from me. Don't forget to take the gas pump out of your gas tank, turn the car on, and then leave. That's not a good thing, believe me.

* Not everyone gets stretch marks. They say it's a genetic thing, and that rang true for me. I didn't get them, but I did get other things some don't...like 'roids. EEK. Not fun. Call me if you get them. I have more advice on this topic!

* Your veins will get darker and bigger, all because of the increase of blood flow. This can cause all kinds of things to happen. Your eyesight can worsen, you can get (and probably have gotten) dizzy, and nose bleeds are common. I had nosebleeds almost every day. FYI - always carry extra tissues with you - especially when walking. I seemed to always get them when I went on walks. Thankfully it was fall when I got the majority of mine so I was able to use leaves when I didn't have tissues handy. He.

* One of the best things I feel I did for myself during my 2nd pregnancy was hire a doula. She was fabulous. I would do it again, too. I'd love to discuss how she benefited both myself and Neil if you're interested.

* When you read the pregnancy books, DO NOT SKIP OVER (or even skim) the c-section part. I never ever thought I would have a c-section and so I never read about them. I should have. It would have helped me emotionally, mentally and physically get through it had I read it and been educated on it. It would have also helped Neil know what I was going through when he wasn't even able to be in the delivery room with me. Read it please!

* Another great decision I made was to use a birthing ball during labor. It made my contractions less intense. I tried lots of different positions and the ball was the best. Also, don't lay flat on your back during labor. It makes it so much worse, especially if you have back labor. Get out of bed if you can. That's the best thing. But if you absolutely have to be in bed, stay laying on your side. (Spoken from someone who has been in over 40 hours of labor total!)

* Another serious note. If you are given the choice whether to be induced or not, don't be. Pitocin is really rough. I feel like in both pregnancies, the pitocin made my contractions so intense so quickly that it's the reason for putting both my babies into distress. You don't want that if you can keep from it.

* Take advantage of people ooo'ing and ahh'ing over your pregnant body. The attention will soon be taken away from you. So take advantage of people admiring your belly, admiring your pretty complexion, holding doors open for you, giving you their seat in the waiting rooms, and so on. It's those small moments that you really have to cherish. So have fun with it.

After I had the babies, I wish I had known...

...that you lose a large amount of hair a few months after birth (Enough for you to notice and enough for you to have some bald patches - yes, I'm not kidding - so be thankful, both of you, that you have nice thick hair!)

...that I actually *would* be able to get back into my pre-pregnancy clothes! I never ever thought I would based on people telling me that I wouldn't. Granted, it took 9 months for me to do that, but it also took me 9 months for my belly to expand to what it was. So if you put your mind to it, you can do it too! (So don't do like I did and sell all your pre-pregnancy clothes!)

...that breast feeding is *not* as easy as it looks, but it's worth EVERY penny - every sore nipple, every engorgement, every plugged duct. It's really worth it, so don't give up. And if you need help or support or just a lending ear through the first few weeks, please know that I'm here for you! (It took me 6 weeks with Noah to get the hang of it and 3 with Maia.)

...that you can't be afraid to ask if you ever have questions. Whether it's medical advice or just a mom-to-mom question, never hesitate to pick up the phone. You can easily get tired and go a little crazy as a new mama!

...that having your baby use a pacifier is OK! And when it comes to orthodontics, it's actually better to use a pacifier versus sucking the thumb.

...that co-sleeping is ok, as well as using the car seat as a bed for the baby when you need to. Always do what you feel is best for you, the baby and your family as a whole.

...that (on the funny side of things) you will use the word "poop" and "pee-pee" a lot in adult conversations. You will. Trust me. *smile*

...that it's OK to let the baby cry sometimes. Especially when you're at your wits end and you can't figure out why the baby is crying, as long as he/she isn't hurt, set them down, walk out the room and take some deep breaths. Believe me, it's so worth it and you'll be glad you did.

I'm sure I will add to this list as time goes on, but hopefully this will start you off well with one mother to another advice. Happy pregnancy! Enjoy it because it's goes entirely too fast. I miss the kicks the most. That's one thing you cannot reinact no matter what you do. So really savor those moments.

Katie had her baby in October - little Miss Rachel K, and Kristin had her baby just two weeks ago, little Mr Jack L. Who knows if my "words of wisdom" were enlightening or beneficial for them at all, but at least I enjoyed reminscing - on most accounts, anyway. Haha.

Anyone else want to add to my lists?